How does a parent raise a child who promotes and plans for the slaughter of innocent victims? What do you have to do—or not do—to release into society an adult who has little regard for human life and who is focused on destruction and desolation? In the case of James von Brunn, who recently attacked the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., and murdered a blameless security guard, we may never know the details of his upbringing. Most likely, there are many complex contributing factors. But some recent descriptions of the perpetrator provide one important clue to his malicious mindset: “elusive,” “lone wolf,” and “loner.”

                The story of terror and death at the Holocaust Museum reminds me of a book that has been pivotal in my life: Altruistic Personality, Rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe, by Samuel P. Oliner. This book studied the personal traits of ordinary people who risked their lives to save Jews in 1940s Europe. What did these humanitarians have in common? Of course, parenting styles and personal attributes were addressed. But the one distinguishing feature that stood out above all others was this: a connection to the community that surrounded them.

                Balance, participation, commitment, and community connect children to something that is bigger than they are. Kids should not focus solely on their feelings: “I want this and I crave that.” They should not live life as elusive loners. Conversely, children should feel as if they are part of a family, a team, a club, a school, an organization, and a neighborhood. When kids are active players in society, they become an entwined segment of humanity.

                In My Goodness: My Kids, Cultivating Decency in a Dangerous World, I devote a chapter to “Balance.” In this chapter, I encourage children to live full and active lives that stimulate their intellect, inspire their creativity, fuel their physical activity, and engender compassion for the needs of others. I don’t suggest these activities in order to keep childhood boredom at bay or to fill an empty calendar. I promote this viewpoint to protect children from negative influences, both internal and external, and to encourage them to develop and connect socially. Throughout their childhoods, kids soar to countless highs and plummet to countless lows. If their lives are replete with varied activities and companions, when one thing doesn’t work out, youngsters feel nothing more than a bump in the road—not total and dismal destruction. Balanced kids suffer pain temporarily; they don’t let their distress rise to a boiling point of angry expression.

                A balanced individual does not cut off his arm to express his personal anger. That’s a no-brainer. His arm is part of his identity. Nor does a balanced human being cut off the life of an innocent victim to release suppressed rage. That potential target—that security guard—is part of his greater community.

                If you want to raise good children, cultivate their community relationships—artistic, physical, intellectual, and charitable. Take responsibility for what happens in your home. Raise honorable, responsible, and involved kids. We will all be safer as a result of your commitment.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 at 9:29 am and is filed under My Goodness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.