Interfaith Second Marriage, by Marcia Essig, Ph.D.
Interfaith Second Marriage
Dear Dr. Essig,
My twin sister and I are 14 years old. We are straight “A” students. We don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. We are involved in extracurricular activities. So what’s the problem? Here it is—in a cracked nutshell!
Six month ago, our mother married our stepfather. We love him very much, and we call him “Dad.” My mom, sister and I are Christians, and our dad is Jewish. The four of us have no religious problems. We attend both Temple and Church. But my mom, sister, and I prefer the Temple, and we want to convert to Judaism. This is our idea, not our dad’s.
Our grandmother (our mother’s mom) is livid that our mother married outside of her faith, and she is open and obvious about her feelings! Is my grandmother a bigot? My sister and I are afraid she will try to break up our parents’ loving marriage. When she finds out that we all want to convert to Judaism, fireworks are going to fly!
Bewildered Twins
Dear Bewildered Twins,
Your family is a strong and loving one, and it cannot easily be broken. I have some ideas that I want to share, but first, let’s tackle the subject of conversion.
Conversion is a serious step to take, and the commitment is lengthy, not “drive-through.” Although you and your sister are not yet legal adults, in the eyes of Judaism you can have a bat mitzvah and take the oath at age 13. You, your sister, and your mom would have to study Hebrew for approximately two or three years. Are you willing to take that on?
Next, do not discuss conversion with your grandmother right now. She is not able to deal with an interfaith marriage yet, let alone the conversion of her daughter and granddaughters. Your grandmother may not be a bigot at all; she just may be in unfamiliar territory. She probably has never had anyone in her family marry outside of her faith. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to act around your dad.
Ask your dad to invite your grandmother to a family dinner and a movie. In addition, include her in other activities that you think she may enjoy. Your grandmother needs to get to know your father as a person, not merely as someone who practices a different faith. The subject of conversion may not even come up for two years or more. Until then, include her in family events, and attend church with her once in a while. I believe your grandmother will come around. With a little bit of patience and attention, it won’t be long before your grandmother learns to love your new dad.