Little Joey hit another child on the playground. Guess what his mother did. She ran up to her son and asked him about his feelings, the ones that led up to the intimidating act. Is her reaction the best one for Joey—and the best one for society at large?

                My local San Diego newspaper just ran a story about the “Consensual Living” movement, which began in 2006. The gist of the movement is that all family members are on the same plane, which means 1) that children have an equal voice in deciding family matters, and 2) that more traditional moms and dads are being coercive and destructive to the psychological health of their children.

                In my book, My Goodness: My Kids, I express some politically incorrect ideas. Here are some examples:  1) Parents should act as the alpha dogs within the family unit; 2) family members should live within a hierarchy that places the parents unapologetically at the top; and 3) parents should raise children with one eye on what is happening in their home and the other eye on what is happening in their schools and neighborhoods.

                There is nothing consensual about “consensual living.” If Joey grabs a toy away from his little brother, is the burden on his younger sibling to consent and then understand that Joey is having a bad day? If Joey hits his mother because he did not get his way, is she supposed to consent and then praise him for releasing his pent-up feelings? If Joey spews foul language in the classroom, is the teacher supposed to consent and then support Joey’s need to communicate his anger? If Adolescent Joey steals a car, is the police officer supposed to consent and then empathize with Joey’s “need” for transportation? And when Adult Joey embezzles money from his employer, is his boss supposed to consent and then forgive him for the bookkeeping “error”?

                Although all of us are on the same human plane, there is nothing level about our standing in society. The U.S. president has more authority than the vice-president. A CEO has more power than a middle manager. And a parent who wants to prepare her kids for adulthood and the workplace better have more say-so than her children do. 

                If you want to live in an isolated bubble with only your family members, fine. Enjoy consensual living. But if you intend to share space with the rest of us, then consent when your kids behave honorably, and punish and teach when they don’t. Your child’s character and behavior affects all of us. Proudly use your position as a parent to cultivate decency in your offspring. Your kids’ psychological health depends upon it—and so does ours.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 13th, 2009 at 3:08 pm and is filed under My Goodness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.