Dear Dr. Essig,

                My mother is angry because I told my 11- and 12-year-old kids why she and my father divorced when I was a college student. I think my children are entitled to know why. I didn’t make up any stories or embellish any details. I simply told my children the truth about Grandma and Grandpa.

                My mother told me it was not my place to discuss her divorce with my children. She thinks I have meddled in her business.

                 I’m a good mother, and I did what I thought was best for my children. If you think I was “out of line,” I will apologize to my mother. I did not intend to hurt her.

                –Befuddled Daughter

Dear Befuddled Daughter,

                Many adult children hang on to painful memories of divorce. No matter how old a child is when it happens, divorce is devastating.

                As for telling your children the “grizzly” details of your parents’ divorce, you were out of line. You should not have shared any information you felt contributed to your parents’ decision.

You are your children’s mother, but your mother is their grandmother. The bond between grandparents and their grandchildren is special, and tampering with that connection is off limits.

                Here is my “rule of thumb”: Before you say something you may later regret, ask yourself this: What purpose will it serve? If there is no purpose, “bite your tongue.”

                I sense you have some residual issues with your mother that need to be resolved. Do not continue to cling to old feelings. It’s a waste of energy! Enjoy a loving relationship with your mother while you can. If you are unable to accomplish this on your own, find a reputable counselor to help you. When the inevitable time comes that your mother is no longer here, you will be grateful for the warm relationship that developed.

                Invite your mother for a cup of coffee or a phone conversation. Tell her you are sorry for what you have done. Don’t belabor the point. A sincere apology will do. And don’t beat yourself to a pulp over this. Your issue can be resolved. The big trick is not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

                Let go of old hurts and repair the current ones. You cannot change the past, no matter how you try.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 13th, 2009 at 3:06 pm and is filed under Parenting Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.