How does a parent raise a child who promotes and plans for the slaughter of innocent victims? What do you have to do—or not do—to release into society an adult who has little regard for human life and who is focused on destruction and desolation? In the case of James von Brunn, who recently attacked the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., and murdered a blameless security guard, we may never know the details of his upbringing. Most likely, there are many complex contributing factors. But some recent descriptions of the perpetrator provide one important clue to his malicious mindset: “elusive,” “lone wolf,” and “loner.”

                The story of terror and death at the Holocaust Museum reminds me of a book that has been pivotal in my life: Altruistic Personality, Rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe, by Samuel P. Oliner. This book studied the personal traits of ordinary people who risked their lives to save Jews in 1940s Europe. What did these humanitarians have in common? Of course, parenting styles and personal attributes were addressed. But the one distinguishing feature that stood out above all others was this: a connection to the community that surrounded them.

                Balance, participation, commitment, and community connect children to something that is bigger than they are. Kids should not focus solely on their feelings: “I want this and I crave that.” They should not live life as elusive loners. Conversely, children should feel as if they are part of a family, a team, a club, a school, an organization, and a neighborhood. When kids are active players in society, they become an entwined segment of humanity.

                In My Goodness: My Kids, Cultivating Decency in a Dangerous World, I devote a chapter to “Balance.” In this chapter, I encourage children to live full and active lives that stimulate their intellect, inspire their creativity, fuel their physical activity, and engender compassion for the needs of others. I don’t suggest these activities in order to keep childhood boredom at bay or to fill an empty calendar. I promote this viewpoint to protect children from negative influences, both internal and external, and to encourage them to develop and connect socially. Throughout their childhoods, kids soar to countless highs and plummet to countless lows. If their lives are replete with varied activities and companions, when one thing doesn’t work out, youngsters feel nothing more than a bump in the road—not total and dismal destruction. Balanced kids suffer pain temporarily; they don’t let their distress rise to a boiling point of angry expression.

                A balanced individual does not cut off his arm to express his personal anger. That’s a no-brainer. His arm is part of his identity. Nor does a balanced human being cut off the life of an innocent victim to release suppressed rage. That potential target—that security guard—is part of his greater community.

                If you want to raise good children, cultivate their community relationships—artistic, physical, intellectual, and charitable. Take responsibility for what happens in your home. Raise honorable, responsible, and involved kids. We will all be safer as a result of your commitment.

Interfaith Second Marriage

Dear Dr. Essig,

My twin sister and I are 14 years old. We are straight “A” students. We don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. We are involved in extracurricular activities. So what’s the problem? Here it is—in a cracked nutshell!

Six month ago, our mother married our stepfather. We love him very much, and we call him “Dad.” My mom, sister and I are Christians, and our dad is Jewish. The four of us have no religious problems. We attend both Temple and Church. But my mom, sister, and I prefer the Temple, and we want to convert to Judaism. This is our idea, not our dad’s.

Our grandmother (our mother’s mom) is livid that our mother married outside of her faith, and she is open and obvious about her feelings! Is my grandmother a bigot? My sister and I are afraid she will try to break up our parents’ loving marriage. When she finds out that we all want to convert to Judaism, fireworks are going to fly!

Bewildered Twins

Dear Bewildered Twins,

Your family is a strong and loving one, and it cannot easily be broken. I have some ideas that I want to share, but first, let’s tackle the subject of conversion.

Conversion is a serious step to take, and the commitment is lengthy, not “drive-through.” Although you and your sister are not yet legal adults, in the eyes of Judaism you can have a bat mitzvah and take the oath at age 13. You, your sister, and your mom would have to study Hebrew for approximately two or three years. Are you willing to take that on?

Next, do not discuss conversion with your grandmother right now. She is not able to deal with an interfaith marriage yet, let alone the conversion of her daughter and granddaughters. Your grandmother may not be a bigot at all; she just may be in unfamiliar territory. She probably has never had anyone in her family marry outside of her faith. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to act around your dad.

Ask your dad to invite your grandmother to a family dinner and a movie. In addition, include her in other activities that you think she may enjoy. Your grandmother needs to get to know your father as a person, not merely as someone who practices a different faith. The subject of conversion may not even come up for two years or more. Until then, include her in family events, and attend church with her once in a while. I believe your grandmother will come around. With a little bit of patience and attention, it won’t be long before your grandmother learns to love your new dad.

An expectant mom gently strokes her expanding belly and fearfully reflects: “Could my developing son or daughter become the next Bernie Madoff cheat? manipulator? narcissist? I love my child deeply, but didn’t Mr. Madoff’s mother love him just as much? Will love alone develop character in my child, or do honesty and integrity require something more?”

                Is there anything this mom-to-be can initiate now to ensure that her child acts honestly and decently throughout elementary school, middle school, high school, and beyond? You bet there is! First, she can start mulling over the concept of honesty—at this moment, before her baby is born. How does an honest child affect the level of harmony in the home? the neighborhood? the schoolyard? And, conversely, how does a dishonest child affect these same settings? Is honesty going to be treated as a serious character issue in her home? Or is a dishonest act going to be overlooked because her child is too cute and too young to confront? Is honesty a concept she should start to consider presently, or is it something she can postpone to an ambiguous, far-way time?

                When one of my sons was in fifth grade, he literally stole a cookie from the teacher’s cookie jar. While he was hailed as a hero by his brutish buddies, I had a different reaction. It would have been easy for me to overlook his act as bravado. After all, I knew he was just a young boy testing his limits. But it would not have been in his best interest for me to let it pass.

                Dishonest children are not trusted by their parents—or anyone else, for that matter. I explained to my son that the theft of the cookie meant that I could no longer trust him to be honest and respectful of other people’s belongings. Awareness registered in his mind. When he tells this story, he identifies that feeling as guilt. But he always is careful to add, “Any guilt I might have felt was not forced upon me by means of a guilt trip; my parents had already shown me in advance that there are many benefits to reap by being a trustworthy person.”

                That day I explained to my son that he could gradually earn back my trust (and his skateboard) by showing me evidence of good deeds. As a young boy, he wanted all of the extras he could get. So he quickly learned to regulate his behavior in order to secure my trust.

                Pondering the consequences of honesty and dishonesty is an important first step for parents to take. Making honesty a family priority comes next. Moms and dads can establish honesty as a priority by modeling it for their children—every moment of every day. That means they must return extra change when it is mistakenly dropped into their open palms. They must inform the grocery clerk when they are accidently undercharged. They must truthfully tally points during the family’s weekly board game. In short, parents must lead honorable lives.

                Our anxious mom-to-be need not worry about raising a swindler or a fraud. With a little bit of forethought and lots of deeds, she can raise the next Bill Gates philanthropist, instead. But in order to raise an honest person, she must be an honest person. She must recognize honesty and trustworthiness as vital components of good character. And she must teach her children consistently, until honesty becomes so natural to them that they no longer feel the need to test the boundaries of decency.

Dear Dr. Essig,

My senior prom is coming up soon. I am so excited! And my parents are excited for me. My boyfriend and I have been going steady since middle school, and my parents like him very much. Both sets of parents approve of our relationship. And they are all happy that we will be attending the same college in the fall. Neither my boyfriend nor I have ever caused our parents anxiety—until now.

My boyfriend and I both drive, and neither one of us has ever had an accident or a traffic ticket, which we think speaks well of our character. Our parents have banded together and decided that we cannot drive any of the family cars to the prom, which is located only 10 miles from where we live. Since all of our friends will be going to Magic Mountain after the prom, our parents insist on driving us to the prom, to Magic Mountain, and home again afterwards. Imagine what our friends will think; they will think that our parents treat us like little children.

–Why Can’t We Drive?

Dear Why Can’t We Drive,

Thank you for bringing this issue to the forefront. You and your boyfriend are “over the moon” with your high school graduation, senior prom, and college plans. Your parents share this excitement with you. But there is one emotion your parents are feeling that is different from the exhilaration you are experiencing. That emotion is fear. To one degree or another, most parents feel fear when their teenagers are driving. That fear is intensified on prom night. Why? Statistics show that the accident rate on prom night is higher than usual, and that is the root of your parents’ angst.

Let me offer you a compromise—one that you, you boyfriend, and the parents can all live with. Instead of having anyone’s parents drive you to the prom, to Magic Mountain, and home again, how about having both families, including you and your boyfriend, split the cost of a taxi or car service for the evening. That way, instead of ridiculing you, your friends will envy you. And your parents will not have to worry about you and your boyfriend driving on the same road as all of the other teenage drivers.

Learn to be a leader and a trend setter. Set an example that other kids can follow. By thinking outside of the box, you can teach this year’s juniors to plan ahead and to save money early so that next year they can follow in your footsteps!

Ride to prom in style, and then let me know how it went. Congratulations on your high school graduation, and on your entry into college. A high school prom is a once-in-a-lifetime event…enjoy yourself!

Dr. Essig