Little Joey hit another child on the playground. Guess what his mother did. She ran up to her son and asked him about his feelings, the ones that led up to the intimidating act. Is her reaction the best one for Joey—and the best one for society at large?

                My local San Diego newspaper just ran a story about the “Consensual Living” movement, which began in 2006. The gist of the movement is that all family members are on the same plane, which means 1) that children have an equal voice in deciding family matters, and 2) that more traditional moms and dads are being coercive and destructive to the psychological health of their children.

                In my book, My Goodness: My Kids, I express some politically incorrect ideas. Here are some examples:  1) Parents should act as the alpha dogs within the family unit; 2) family members should live within a hierarchy that places the parents unapologetically at the top; and 3) parents should raise children with one eye on what is happening in their home and the other eye on what is happening in their schools and neighborhoods.

                There is nothing consensual about “consensual living.” If Joey grabs a toy away from his little brother, is the burden on his younger sibling to consent and then understand that Joey is having a bad day? If Joey hits his mother because he did not get his way, is she supposed to consent and then praise him for releasing his pent-up feelings? If Joey spews foul language in the classroom, is the teacher supposed to consent and then support Joey’s need to communicate his anger? If Adolescent Joey steals a car, is the police officer supposed to consent and then empathize with Joey’s “need” for transportation? And when Adult Joey embezzles money from his employer, is his boss supposed to consent and then forgive him for the bookkeeping “error”?

                Although all of us are on the same human plane, there is nothing level about our standing in society. The U.S. president has more authority than the vice-president. A CEO has more power than a middle manager. And a parent who wants to prepare her kids for adulthood and the workplace better have more say-so than her children do. 

                If you want to live in an isolated bubble with only your family members, fine. Enjoy consensual living. But if you intend to share space with the rest of us, then consent when your kids behave honorably, and punish and teach when they don’t. Your child’s character and behavior affects all of us. Proudly use your position as a parent to cultivate decency in your offspring. Your kids’ psychological health depends upon it—and so does ours.

Dear Dr. Essig,

                My mother is angry because I told my 11- and 12-year-old kids why she and my father divorced when I was a college student. I think my children are entitled to know why. I didn’t make up any stories or embellish any details. I simply told my children the truth about Grandma and Grandpa.

                My mother told me it was not my place to discuss her divorce with my children. She thinks I have meddled in her business.

                 I’m a good mother, and I did what I thought was best for my children. If you think I was “out of line,” I will apologize to my mother. I did not intend to hurt her.

                –Befuddled Daughter

Dear Befuddled Daughter,

                Many adult children hang on to painful memories of divorce. No matter how old a child is when it happens, divorce is devastating.

                As for telling your children the “grizzly” details of your parents’ divorce, you were out of line. You should not have shared any information you felt contributed to your parents’ decision.

You are your children’s mother, but your mother is their grandmother. The bond between grandparents and their grandchildren is special, and tampering with that connection is off limits.

                Here is my “rule of thumb”: Before you say something you may later regret, ask yourself this: What purpose will it serve? If there is no purpose, “bite your tongue.”

                I sense you have some residual issues with your mother that need to be resolved. Do not continue to cling to old feelings. It’s a waste of energy! Enjoy a loving relationship with your mother while you can. If you are unable to accomplish this on your own, find a reputable counselor to help you. When the inevitable time comes that your mother is no longer here, you will be grateful for the warm relationship that developed.

                Invite your mother for a cup of coffee or a phone conversation. Tell her you are sorry for what you have done. Don’t belabor the point. A sincere apology will do. And don’t beat yourself to a pulp over this. Your issue can be resolved. The big trick is not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

                Let go of old hurts and repair the current ones. You cannot change the past, no matter how you try.

As I was listening to the news and preparing for my workday, I heard a story that aroused my interest. It concerned a sex-advice text line for children between the ages of 14-19. I am all in favor of kids learning about sex–and at a much earlier stage than teenage-hood. But is a sex-advice text line the best place for our youngsters to probe this stimulating topic?

Before I get to my biggest concern about texted sex advice, let me express some preliminary misgivings. 1) Can the counselor who is answering a child’s question be certain of the age of the youngster they are responding to? 2) If a counselor provides more information than a child is ready to take in, could he or she be exposing our kids to potentially dangerous situations? 3) Is it possible that the advice givers have a sexual agenda they are seeking to pass on to our children? 4) Does texted sex advice undercut a parent’s role and rights?

Number 4 is the biggie for me. Although a sex-advice text line may offer some cold, hard, technical facts, it is missing the most important elements of sex education—the morals and responsibilities that must infuse the topic. These missing elements can only be conveyed by committed parents/care givers who are dedicated to raising honorable and responsible children.

Should we teach our soccer-playing children the rules of the game without educating them about such values as effort, fair play, and teamwork? Of course not! Nor should a remote text message be instructing our kids where to put their tongues when they are kissing (an actual text question) without including that family’s standards of respect, honesty, and commitment.

Parents, do your job. Teach your children about sex long before they turn 14. And while you are at it, make sure your child understands your family’s principles of sexual ethics and decency. If you don’t teach sex education to your children, somebody else will. You do all of our sons and daughters a great disservice if a moral code is missing from the mix.