During a recent four-day road trip, my husband and I ate in lots of restaurants and observed plenty of parents in action—or inaction, as the case may be. One morning, we visited a funky, family-friendly breakfast buffet that featured a microcosm of parenting styles.

In the back left-corner of the restaurant sat a squirming, high-pitched infant whose parents were deaf to the annoying tone and the offensive volume their little one was hurling from his high chair. It never occurred to them to entertain their child outside the confines of the dining room until he or she calmed down. I watched the other patrons scrunch up their faces in painful portrayals of agitation and upset. As the baby’s poker-faced parents shoved forkfuls of pancakes into their unaffected mouths, they did not seem to notice the reaction of the other people in the room. I wonder…will their self-absorbed role modeling teach their child to develop into a narcissistic adult?

Back and to the right, near the kitchen, sat a couple who were sharing a meal with an adorable and very verbal preschooler. She was smiling full face as she expressed one amazing observation after another. To their shame, her two parents were indifferent to every word she so ardently shared—absolutely no response. Not one confirming touch, nod, or smile. I wonder…for how many years will she continue to be awed by the splendor of ordinary objects (like slick, shiny spoons), and how long will it take before she stops communicating her ideas altogether to such a vacant and expressionless audience?

To the left of our table and near the front door sat a mom and her teenage daughter. Their features sagged from years of sorrow, neglect, and detachment. They failed to engage in the delightful, and often meaningless, chitchat that so many mothers and daughters share. Instead, they gave in to silence and glum. I wonder…how lovingly will this daughter relate to her own offspring when she eventually becomes a mother?

Right next to our table sat the grand prize—a mother and five-year-old daughter who were so absorbed in their banter and play that they hardly noticed anything else around them. The girl spoke to her mom respectfully and pleasantly. And she treated the servers and other patrons with the same reverence.  “Please” and “thank you” dripped from this child as effortlessly as ice cream escapes from its cone on a warm, summer day. Both participants’ eyes twinkled as they joyfully interacted with one another.

After observing this mother-daughter duo for a bit, I inhaled a deep and wholesome breath and then released a contented sigh. Aaaah! The sheer beauty of it. A mom who took the time to teach her child that her behavior affects everyone else around her. A mom who listened, interacted, taught, and played. A mom who delighted in spending time with her youngster.

I don’t have to wonder what kind of adult this young girl will eventually become. I already know. She will be empathetic, confident, capable, and responsible. I feel privileged to have witnessed one small moment in the development of an honorable and decent human being.

Dear Dr. Essig,

Last night my parents announced to my brother and me (16 and 17) that we are going to have a baby brother or sister in six months. We were speechless!  My brother is applying to colleges, and our parents were preparing for an empty nest—not a full house. Our mother will be sitting at our basketball games wearing maternity clothes!  Our friends will know that our parents are having sex. Our parents are too old to have sex! This is so embarrassing!

We don’t know how to handle our feelings. Will I have to babysit all the time? Will I have a life of my own? Please help my brother and me sort this out. We are confused and, honestly, not as happy as our parents think we should be.

–Shocked Siblings

Dear Shocked Siblings,

For a variety of reasons, there is an age at which children are too young to have sex. However, it’s time to bring you down to planet Earth about adults. There is no age limit for adults to stop having sex. Sex is a normal and healthy part of a good marriage. Don’t be embarrassed by your parents’ love for one another.

At your age, it’s almost impossible to think of sex as anything other than a physical act that provides instant gratification. But for your parents, it’s different. After 18-plus years of commitment, they still enjoy sharing the intimacies of marriage. While this is difficult for you to comprehend right now, you will come to appreciate this concept in the not-too-distant future.

I bet euphoria was not your parents’ first reaction when they found out they were having another child. After all, they finally were catching sight of the end of their parenting years. A third child is going to be a big adjustment for them; a bigger adjustment than it’s going to be for you and your brother. You get to sleep right through the 2 a.m. feedings; they do not. They will be starting a new parenting cycle, yet again.

As for your mother sitting in the bleachers wearing maternity clothes, stop worrying. Your friends will love the baby and will probably offer to babysit. In fact, they might even be a tad envious of your relationship with your new sibling. And speaking of babysitting, 1) unless your parents are party animals, they won’t be going out much for a while, and 2) you’ll probably enjoy babysitting now and then.

Sister sibling, go shopping with your mom for baby clothes, furniture, and the like. Brother sibling, talk with your dad about the kinds of things you two can do together with the baby. For example, how about putting the little one in a baby “backpack” and taking him or her out to a ball game?

You and your brother were taken by surprise; that’s all. You will be a terrific big sister, and he will be a terrific big brother. The baby will look up to both of you, and you will have a new and improved role within your family unit.

Dear Dr. Essig,

This past week my mother, husband, and I were informed that my father has dementia. He wanders away from home, and then he doesn’t remember where his house is. He frequently asks my mother who she is and if he knows her. We have two children: Emily, 14, and, Kurt, 12. They adore their grandfather. The thought of him one day not being able to recognize them is tearing us apart. Please give us some direction so that our children can handle this family crisis with insight and understanding.

–Heartbroken Mom and Dad

Dear Heartbroken,

You have a long and difficult road ahead of you; each member of your family must do all he or she can to support the others. Your children have always been close to their grandfather, and they should continue to be close to him now.  Teenagers feel empowered when they realize that the adults in their world think they are worthy of sharing the responsibility of family heartbreak.  Perhaps, they can come up with some solutions and/or ideas that can help ease some of the strain and pain that your family is enduring.

Don’t be afraid to let tears flow as you express your devastation to your children. When you tell them about their grandfather, they will probably cry right along with you. After everyone finishes shedding their tears, hug your children and start to answer all of their questions—honestly. If “honestly” means “I don’t know,” then that’s what your answer should be.

Teach your children that love and touch are surprisingly powerful and intense. Although dementia cannot be cured with love and touch, your father will benefit from feeling his family members holding and stroking his hands—even after the dementia has advanced and he appears unresponsive. All of you should continue to tell him how much you love him.  On some level, he will hear you and he will know. Encourage your children to interact with their grandpa, but don’t pressure them to perform. How they relate to him should be left entirely up them.

Be thorough when you explain dementia to your children. Kids of all ages have imaginations and fears, so you must make certain they understand that they cannot “catch” dementia from their grandfather!

Prepare your children for the changes that will occur in their grandfather’s behavior from visit to visit. Explain to them that changes are to be expected. Parents who shield their children from all of life’s realities are derelict in their parental responsibilities.  

Your children are not too young to face this with you. You, your children, and your mother will get through this by supporting each other.  My heart goes out to you and your family.

(This advice is appropriate for parents of teenagers, not necessarily for parents of younger children.)