Parents should have a child-rearing plan. It doesn’t have to be an immoveable plan. After all, life does unfold in surprising ways. But the basics of a plan should be there. We already know how to make plans. After all, we take great pains to arrange a perfect trip, an ideal party, or a sumptuous meal. We diligently sign up for training classes for our unruly pets. We eagerly schedule TV time so that we never miss a much-loved game, a favored sitcom, or the next revealing reality show. Yet when it comes to parenting, some of us are flying by the seat of our pants; we are unprepared, bewildered, and insecure.

What should you be reflecting on when you ponder your parenting plan? Grades? Talent? Popularity? All of these standards are fine. But first and foremost, consider constructing a foundation of values that your children can depend on and pull from as they struggle through their many childhood challenges.

Should you concentrate on your children’s grades, or, rather, should you cultivate a love of learning that will inspire your children to contribute to society in innovative ways for many years to come? Should you focus on developing a winning talent, or should you consider how your child’s natural aptitudes can be used to elevate him and others to greater heights? Should you fret over whether your children are accepted and well liked, or, instead, should you teach them to be kind, understanding, and empathetic friends?

Parenting is important enough for parents to think about, plan for, and act on. The values your children eventually embrace will affect their overall performance in life and their relationships with others. Children who live by an intended set of values, help to fashion a kinder and safer society for all of us.

Dear Mrs. Goldman, I have two children; Brenda is 11 and George is 13. Long-term school assignments seem to be an issue for both of them. Brenda is my “perfectionist.” Although she starts her assignments immediately, she feels as if nothing is ever done well enough for her to finish it. George is my “procrastinator.” He never seems to start anything in a timely manner. I am constantly nagging-at Brenda to finish her assignments and at George to start his-in order to avoid the late night crunch that inevitably takes place the evening before a due date. Help! I’m tired of nagging. –Laura T.

Dear Laura, you have two children who appear to be at opposite ends of the assignment spectrum. However, the solution may be the same for both of them. Brenda appears to be very capable, but lacking in confidence with regard to her abilities. George seems to feel his assignments are no big deal and that he will be able to complete them quickly once he decides to start.

An assignment calendar may be the solution for both of your children. On the calendar write when an assignment is given and when it is due. Be sure to add all of the other commitments your children have, such as sports, music lessons, or anything else that affects their homework schedule.

Along the way, add periodic checklist items that will help bring your kids’ assignments to fruition. By adding specific dates for partial steps leading toward the completion of the assignment, Brenda will be able to move along with her work, and George will see that his task is bigger than he thinks it is. If George sees small part asks that can be done easily and quickly, he may be more likely to complete each partial step on the calendar date, thus having the majority of the work done well in advance of his due date.

On your calendar, place your due date several days before the teacher’s due date. That will allow for unexpected events like illness, last-minute sports events, or other things that can get in the way of preplanned events. Having those extra few days at the end of an assignment will show your children that they can calmly add extra details to their assignments that wouldn’t otherwise get done.

When assignments are given weeks ahead of time, many students feel “they have plenty of time.” As a result, they do not use their time wisely. If the teacher does not give periodic partial due dates (i.e., notes due, outline due, bibliography due, et cetera), then you can help your children proceed with the assignment by creating a list of the tasks being asked of them. Using a calendar will help your children see the “big picture” and recognize that the whole project is made up of smaller segments.

Show your children your own daily planner. Let them see that developing time management skills is a grown-up behavior that they will have to master in order to succeed in an adult workplace.

Dear Mrs. Goldman, as the weather warms up and the end of the school year approaches, my son, a seventh grader, has developed a less-than-acceptable attitude about school. While it is way too early for “senior-itis,” his behavior definitely reflects that phenomenon. How can I instill in him how important it is to focus on his studies for the rest of the school year? –Danny’s Mom.

Dear Danny’s Mom, you are not alone. As spring arrives, this attitude becomes a common one for many students. Let’s look at some reasons why Danny’s performance might be falling and some methods you can use to motivate him.

•  If Danny is a good student, review his previous report cards with him; this will remind him that he is bright and capable.

• If being on the Honor Roll is important to Danny, show him how falling grades could affect that goal.
• If Danny has college in his future, look at college catalogues with him and review the entrance requirements. This will remind him that hard work now will help him achieve his acceptance goals. If he tells you that grades don’t count until 9^th grade and that he’ll work hard when he gets into high school, inform him that nothing miraculous is going to happen between eighth and ninth grade to instill good study habits. Those habits are developed over time. If he wants to be successful in school now and in the future, pyramid building is what is required.
• Remind Danny that if summer vacation is to be what he hopes it to be (camps, beach, accelerated classes, time with friends, earning extra money), attending summer school or other remedial catch-up programs might cramp his style. If he works hard until the end of the school year, his summer plans will be more to his liking.
• Examine carefully where and why Danny’s performance is slipping. Schedule a conference with his teachers; they might enlighten you to a problem that can be easily solved. Is Danny over-scheduled and left with little time to attend to his school work? Has a new sport started that is taking more time than he originally planned? There are some Little League Baseball games that don’t even start until 8 p.m. on school nights. Something like that could seriously affect Danny’s school performance. Take a closer look at extra-curricular activities to determine if you should re-arrange your child’s priorities.

Remind Danny that currently school is his job; it is his first and most important priority. To assure his continued success, help him make some adjustments to his schedule. In addition, remind him of a special activity that you have planned during summer vacation; this will help him keep his eye on the ball-a successful end of the school year.

Question: Dear Dr. Essig:  I am a 16-year-old only child and only grandchild. My mother does not like my grandmother on my father’s side. She talks about my grandmother behind her back, and the things she says are not very nice. I love my grandma and I don’t want to listen to the mean things my mom says about her. My grandma never says anything bad about my mom, ever!  I’m afraid that one of these days my mom will tell me I can’t see my grandmother any more. I’ve tried talking to my dad about this, but he doesn’t like to argue with my mom, so he won’t get involved. I think my dad is just as wrong as my mom because he won’t make her stop saying bad things. I really need your help. –Loving Granddaughter.

 Answer: Dear Loving Granddaughter, regrettably, you are in a situation you should never have been placed in.  Grandchildren should not have to hear negative comments about their grandparents. Grandchildren and grandparents share a special relationship. But I don’t think your mom is intending to hurt you. If the event that sparked your mother’s resentment happened a long time ago, your mom may not even recall the exact occurrence. Sometimes if an episode is not resolved quickly, it festers. In all likelihood, that is what happened here. 

Sadly, family relationships can be torn asunder if someone doesn’t “take the bull by the horns” and bring calmness and clarification to the parties involved. Since your mom is involving you in this, wittingly or unwittingly, and your dad is refusing to be pulled into the ongoing state of affairs, you must be the designated peacemaker.  Tell your parents you want to have a serious, uninterrupted discussion with them at a time that is agreeable to all of you. Before the three of you meet, find an object that will serve as a “talking stick.”  The item can be a stick, a wooden spoon, or another prop of your choice. This “stick” will be held by the person whose turn it is to speak. You will be the facilitator; therefore, you will explain the rules:    (1)     No one can speak unless they are holding the “talking stick.” (2)     When the person holding the “talking stick” finishes speaking, he will either put it down or give it to you. You will decide who will speak next.  (3)     The three of you will face each other at all times. (4)     No one will be allowed to disgrace anyone else. The purpose of the “talking stick” is to avoid interruptions and reduce anger. Each person will be assured that they will be heard without interference. Everyone will be entitled to their opinion.  

You have the chance to restore harmony to your family. Right now, you may be feeling some apprehension, but by taking charge, you will earn a reputation as an honored peacemaker. Progress may not happen overnight; you may need further “talking stick” discussions. But I believe your parents want the best for you. Since they’ve been caught up in their own “stuff,” they haven’t noticed how their behavior is affecting you.

What Not to Expect from Professional Home Inspectors  I remember my first home inspection. Back then lots of houses were sold without inspections, but my wise Uncle Bob suggested I hire a friend of his before I made my purchase. Uncle Bob’s friend turned out to be a pleasant, practical-looking, retired man complete with overalls, a clipboard, and tools. He’d spent his entire working life building houses. He took me through my first home inspection from top to toes. And for every problem he spotted, he advised me what “really” needed to be done and what it would cost, ensuring that I had some protection against inflated prices. I learned a lot from that guy.

Mostly, what I bought from Uncle Bob’s friend was reassurance—something we all want when purchasing a home. My inspector was my advocate, exclusively. 

Much later, when I got my own Home Inspector license, Uncle Bob’s friend was the model I wanted to match. But I discovered that today, that model is often broken. Home inspectors are trained professionals who are regulated in the majority of states; satisfying you isn’t their only concern any longer. Now, they walk a narrow path between courting and losing referrals from real estate agents, avoiding complaints to licensing boards, and defending themselves from lawsuits for saying too much––or too little. It’s no wonder that many home inspectors work strictly from standardized “scripts” and forms.

Now, I’m not suggesting for one teeny, tiny minute that you bypass a formal inspection. I recommend that you always hire a professional inspector before you sign a pile of mortgage papers. But be aware that your best interests are top priority to you only.

Resources like The 6-Minute Home Inspection Guide are excellent for placing you back in charge. The Guide will build your confidence as you narrow your search for a home. It will help you sort out big trouble spots from minor ones, and it will help you make the most of the services of a home inspector when the time comes.

The 6-Minute Home Inspection Guide will help make you your own Uncle Bob.

Krasna Svoboda, Phd

Building Inspector