Dear Dr. Essig, My father’s company is transferring him to a new job in another state. I’m excited for him because he has wanted this position for a long time. In September, I will be a high school senior, and I would like to finish my last year of school with my friends. After watching me shed my share of tears, my parents agreed to let me stay with my best friend, Susan, until the end of my junior year. This summer, I will be leaving all of my friends behind and starting a brand new life. I’ve lived in Kentucky since I was born. What will I do in California? I don’t have any friends there. And now I have to spend my spring break looking for a new house. Can you help me convince my parents to let me stay in Kentucky to finish my senior year? –Unhappy High School Junior.

     Dear Unhappy High School Junior, I understand that you would like me to convince your parents to let you stay in Kentucky with your best friend, Susan, for over a year so you can graduate high school with your friends.
Before you mentioned your unhappiness about moving, you acknowledged your excitement about your father’s new job, the one he has wanted for so long. That shows me that you are not a selfish person, and you are not angry at your parents for making you move. Rather, you are sad and broken hearted at having to leave your friends and hometown, and you are fearful of the unknown.Let’s think about that unknown for a moment. Will the kids I meet like me? Will I like them?

I have a suggestion. Ask Susan’s parents if she can fly to California with you and your family during your spring vacation. With Susan by your side, you’ll have company when your parents are house hunting. You and she can “scout” the neighborhood for potential new friends and for information about your new school.

Your parents were acting reasonably when they allowed you to complete your junior year in Kentucky, but one year, your senior year, is too long for you to be away from your parents. Ask them if you can spend the first 10 days of your summer vacation in Kentucky with Susan. But afterward, it is important that you spend the rest of your summer in California adjusting to your new surroundings and making new friends before school begins.

You and Susan can be “forever” friends if you choose to be. Even though I am now a grandmother, I still have friends from my little girl days. To remain friends, you simply need pencils, paper, computers, telephones, loving hearts, and a determination to “stay in touch.”

Share your feelings about the upcoming move with your parents; most likely, they are feeling the same kinds of emotions!

          Here are some FBI statistics for the year 2006: Fifty-one percent of people arrested for arson were under the age of 18. Wow! That’s over half. And twenty-nine percent were under the age of 15. Children have set tens of thousands of fires nationally, caused $1.2 billion in property damage, and been responsible for taking hundreds of lives.

                     What do the experts say about the cause of this spike in juvenile arson? Here are a few of the reasons they have mentioned: 1) a childhood curiosity about flames and what they can do; 2) a lack of supervision at home; 3) a sense of boredom that propels certain children to raise the level of excitement in their lives; 4) a compulsion similar to a drug addiction; 5) an existing emotional or psychological challenge (such as abuse or domestic violence) that drives them to act out or lash out in a way that makes them feel powerful—if only temporarily.  

                Boys are responsible for 90-95 percent of the arson cases, but the statistics for girls are increasing as well. This behavior commonly starts in the five- to six-year-old age group.

                Fire experts give us some practical suggestions to help us prevent arson in our homes. Those things include installing smoke detectors and putting matches away. But it is going to take more than a smoke detector to stop the storm of fires raging across this country. It is going to take parents who are willing to invest the time to talk to their children and supervise them.

                What should you talk to them about? How about consequences to their actions, for one? Educate your children about the penalties in your area for arson.  Let them know that the price arsonists pay is very real. Take them on a visit to the fire department so they can hear directly from the professionals about the damage and suffering that is caused by fires—to property, to vegetation, to animals, to human life.

                   Teach them about the pain suffered by patients in burn wards. Share with them stories of families who have lost houses, belongings, beloved pets, and cherished family members. Do whatever you can to instill a sense of empathy in your children for those who innocently suffer for someone else’s criminal act. 

                Make sure your kids’ lives are balanced with physical activity, creative pursuits, and intellectual stimulation so that they don’t focus on one act, one person, or one idea obsessively. Be firm with, yet kind to, your children. Let them know that you will keep them safe and protected. Invite them to talk to you often, so anger and resentment don’t build up and overflow.

                Parents who are invested in the character of their children can help to reduce these troubling statistics. Take the time now to educate your children and supervise them. The consequences for not doing so could cost you and your family dearly.

Question: Dear Dr. Essig,  My husband was deployed to Iraq three months ago. Our daughter, Elizabeth, is nine years old. Homework always has been an issue with Elizabeth, but it is more so now since her daddy went away. I work outside the home, but only when Elizabeth is at school. Rarely is she left with a baby sitter.

After I pick Elizabeth up from school, we usually come straight home and have a snack. After we finish, Elizabeth goes to her room, where she has a desk, a computer, and a television set. While I prepare dinner, she starts doing her homework. Invariably, when I check to see if she needs any help, she is either watching TV or playing with the computer.

 I’m on overload and am constantly worried about my husband in Iraq. I feel like an inadequate mother. I don’t know how to help Elizabeth with her homework and her daddy’s absence without yelling at her and making her cry.

Answer: Let me put your mind at ease. You are not an inadequate mother! You have a lot on your plate right now, and yes you are on overload. Let me help you rearrange some of your daily responsibilities so that your life and Elizabeth’s can be less stressful.

When you pick Elizabeth up from school tomorrow, tell her that you are not driving straight home; you are taking her out for hot chocolate, instead. While you’re enjoying your drinks, talk to Elizabeth about your day. Engage her in some old fashioned “girl talk.” She’ll catch on to your conversational tone soon enough and will respond accordingly. Spend some time together with no structure and no pressure. If you eat dinner a little later that night, your world won’t collapse!

When you get home, ask Elizabeth to help you set the dinner table. As she does so, tell her that she will be doing her homework at the kitchen table after dinner from now on. If she needs to use her computer for her homework, move it in or near the kitchen area where you can keep an eye on her. Let Elizabeth watch some TV while you are preparing dinner. That’s okay. Then call her to the table when the meal is ready.

After dinner, ask Elizabeth to bring her homework to the kitchen table. Proceed with your cleanup chores, and be available to help Elizabeth during her homework session. Praise her for good effort. Then sit at the table with her and read a book or a magazine. Save your phone calls for later!

After the homework session is complete, write letters to and draw pictures for Elizabeth’s daddy. Tell your daughter that you miss her daddy too. It will be good for the two of you to share your feelings about his absence with each other. Encourage Elizabeth to write to him as if she were talking directly to him at home—about a book she read, a dress she wore, or something she did with a friend. This will help Elizabeth feel as though she is really talking to her daddy. Don’t correct her spelling on these letters; this isn’t schoolwork!