Question: Dear Dr. Essig,

My son, Zach, and his best friend, Tony, had a whopper of a squabble last week. Zach stormed into our house and slammed the door behind him! His chest was heaving, and his cheeks were beet red. He stomped up the stairs and banged shut the door to his room. Tony’s mom described his behavior as identical.

The boys have been “joined at the hip” since our families moved into this neighborhood on the same day six years ago. Zach and Tony were both four years old at the time. Neither Tony’s mother nor I are aware of any previous strife between the boys…not so much as a cross word! Oddly, neither of the boys will divulge what happened.

Our families are close, and we participate in many activities together. Whatever it is that has caused this rift between our sons is unsettling to all of us. Both sets of parents have tried to talk to the boys about this, but they are absolutely closed mouthed. Truthfully, we are at a loss to know what to do.

Answer: I find it a “plus” that Zach and Tony are both closed mouthed. My “take” on it is that the two of them are still “joined at the hip.” Neither wants to blame the other for the quarrel. What’s more, it doesn’t matter what issue caused the squabble. What is important is that Zach and Tony settle their dispute.

Do not allow too much time to slip away. Get the boys together so they can resolve their differences. I assure you that Zach and Tony are not arch enemies. You have not given any indication of that being the case. If the truth be told, I see two young boys who are really hurting! It will not take a great deal of effort to solve this problem for the simple reason that it is not an insurmountable one.

Each dad should knock on his son’s door, ask for permission to enter, and inquire, “Can we talk?” I’m confident the boys will nod their heads in the affirmative. The dads should continue with, “I can tell you’re hurting, and it’s my guess it has something to do with whatever happened between you and Zach/Tony. Sometimes things happen between friends; one word leads to another, and things get out of hand. It certainly has happened to me! Is that why you’re upset? Would you like to give Tony/Zach a call and ask him, “Can we forget what happened and still be friends?”

I’ll bet you a bag of doughnuts his answer will be, “Uh-huh.” Before you know it, Zach and Tony will be “shooting baskets” together again, their conflict over and done with.

I commend you and the other parents for not getting involved in your sons’ dispute. Oftentimes, when parents interfere, everyone loses. Give yourselves a hearty “pat on the back.”

Certain stories that describe atrocious acts committed by specific children can also include positive elements that produce pride in and awe of the other youngsters who are involved. This writing is about one of those stories. First, the reported atrocious act: A 13-year-old boy slashed a girl in his first-period English class. He walked into the room, threw her to the ground, and assaulted her with a knife. That day, the assailant carried knives, firecrackers, gasoline, and torch fluid with him to school. Two other students suffered minor stab wounds.

Now, here is the positive part of the story. According to one of the police officers, “The students who were in that classroom came to her aid immediately and disarmed him.”  

I would like to express my admiration and respect for the children at Antietam Middle-Senior High School in Reading, Pennsylvania, who instantaneously ran to the victim’s side and stopped her attacker—at their own peril. Surely they saved their classmate, and others in the room, from more serious injuries or death.

I don’t know why these youngsters risked their own lives to save another. Is helping innocent victims written into their genetic code? Are they members of the Scouts, where they learned to “do a good turn daily”? Did their parents teach them inspiring lessons about being part of a community and helping those who can’t help themselves? Did a teacher, a youth group leader, or a karate instructor coach them about fighting crime and promoting justice?

   I don’t know what motivated these particular students to get involved. But I marvel at their courage and commitment to do the brave thing. Acting heroically is a lot different from thinking heroically. The act of doing saved this girl’s life.  

We have all heard the story of the young woman in New York who, over a period of time, was being assaulted outdoors while many neighbors in lots of surrounding buildings listened but chose not to get involved. The teenagers at Antietam Middle-Senior High School put those adults to shame. These kids didn’t sit back and wait for someone else to stop the screaming. They put themselves in charge and made themselves responsible—for their first-period friend, for their other classmates, for their school, and for their community.

   I salute you, dear students, for being brave, good, and accountable. I know we can’t clone human life, but if there were more people out there like you, we would all feel more secure. I am impressed by your gallantry and character, and I am eager to see the decent adults you grow up to be and the contributions you decide make. The world is a better, kinder, safer place with you children in it.

Question:  Dear Mrs. Goldman,

Our family just had a wonderful winter break from school and activities. My husband and I treasured the time we spent with our two children, Melissa (9) and Jason (11). With no pressure from school, sports, or other activities, we were truly able to enjoy each other’s company.

Now that the children are back in school, it seems that the pressure is worse than ever. How can we maintain the enjoyable relationship we shared with our children over the break and still keep them involved and interested in school? –Monica C.

Answer:  Dear Monica,

You are not alone. Many parents and students feel just as you do. Would it surprise you to learn that even teachers feel that way after a break? They also feel a pressure crunch—from administrators, next year’s teachers, and parents, as well. Some parents want more homework, and others prefer no homework. Where is the middle ground for the teachers?

The first step for parents and children is to become organized. Keep a calendar in a prominent place in your home (refrigerator, bathroom mirror, desk) that lists all due dates, including what is due the next day. Crossing things off as they are completed will give everyone a sense of accomplishment.

Managing time is a skill that must be mastered. Seeing an assignment that is due in three days will encourage your child to work on it a little each day, rather than cram all of it into the last day. Work with your child’s teacher to set up regular assignments (math every night, reading every night, a spelling test on Fridays, a book report at the end of each month) so that everyone can see “the big picture.”

Time schedules are important. For a few weeks, monitor your child’s homework time. Just how long is he or she spending on homework? Do not count the time your child spends walking around the house, eating a snack, or playing a video game. Once you have an accurate measurement, think of average daily homework time as being about 10 minutes for each grade (10 minutes for first graders, 20 minutes for second graders, et cetera.) That time may not necessarily include free reading. If your child is spending considerably longer than this estimate, talk with your child’s teacher. Perhaps there is another issue that the teacher should be aware of. If your child does not understand what to do or how to do it, his performance will weaken.

For family harmony, complete all homework assignments before dinner. Most family members are pretty worn out by after-dinner time, and all they want to do is relax and enjoy being together. Having homework hanging over everyone’s head will certainly put a damper on that goal.

Completing the least favorite assignment or subject first keeps homework momentum going. After your child finishes the most difficult or unpleasant assignments, then he can look forward to flowing through the tasks he enjoys performing most.

Question: Dear Dr. Essig,

My husband and I have three-year-old twin girls. Although they were born just three minutes apart, the younger of the two, Laura, will not attempt anything new unless her “older” sister, Haley, has tested the waters first.

Recently, my husband and I took the girls to a park to give them their first “taste” of the slides. As we approached the area, Haley immediately ran toward an available slide, while Laura became very clingy. As if contemplating how to approach this new experience, Haley briefly watched how one of the other children used the slide. Then she climbed up the required four steps and descended with a shriek of victory. Only then did Laura walk over to the slide and fix her eyes on us. Her father guided her up the steps, and I stood at the bottom waiting to catch her. Her sister clapped and cheered as Laura successfully slid down the slide with her arms in the air and a grin on her face.

Recently, my husband came across an article that addressed the subject of birth order and how it affects the personalities of children. Given that the twins were born just minutes part, we have never given any thought to this suggestion. Do you think Haley will give anything a try because she is our firstborn? Is it possible that Laura is reticent to try new experiences because she is our second?

Answer: Relax, Mom, and enjoy the individualities of your delightful little daughters. Perhaps the fact that Haley is the older of the two is the reason she is more willing to take risks. Who’s to say? But no matter what the answer is, think how boring the world would be if we were all alike.

At the present time, Haley appears to be somewhat analytical. She observed what to do before she did it. Laura was more cautious but was willing to “have a go at it” after watching her sister’s successful journey downward.

Haley and Laura may be twins, but they are definitely two different personalities. Every once in a while, gently encourage Laura to try something on her own. The girls are still young, so do not overdo it. Encourage their individualism, even with the clothes they choose to wear. Promote decision making, and respect their likes and dislikes. Guide them to make sound choices, a skill that will serve your daughters well throughout their lifetimes.

As you accept and celebrate your daughters’ differences—analytical risk taking and cautious observing—your girls will learn to become comfortable in their distinctive skins and will begin to use their unique skills to their fullest advantage.

One of the first articles I read in 2008 was a story about two divorcing parents. Both Mom and Dad were quoted as saying that all they wanted was for their son to be happy. Their son convinced them that he was happy—as long as he played video games 16 hours a day and gained vast amounts of weight (50 pounds so far) as a result.

                Now, I can’t argue with the fact that most parents want their children to be happy. But I would like to add that certain other qualities are just as important, if not more important, than childhood happiness, and parents should be promoting those traits as well. How about the idea of developing a inner sense of pleasure (not a temporary feeling of fun) by nurturing attributes like self-control, time management, physical fitness, intellectual curiosity, and social interaction? Won’t these additional qualities add more depth, joy, and novelty to your child’s life, both in the moment and for the long haul?

                I suspect that, “We just want our son to be happy,” really means, “We don’t want the hassle of drawn-out discord in our home.” But it is through discord, challenge, and disappointment that children cultivate character and become honorable adults. Character builds confidence, and confidence that is based on something concrete inspires genuine hope for the future and personal happiness for a lifetime.

                Child rearing is not easy. It is relentless—when it is carried out with sincerity and commitment. Let’s not take our eyes off of the ball here, Parents. Playing video games 16 hours a day may make your adult life run more smoothly, but will it really make your child a happier camper? I think not.

     Question:  Dear Dr. Essig, I am a teenage boy with parents who have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. One thing really bugs me about my mom and dad. When I go out with my friends at night, my parents tell me to be home early. So I come home early, but they have a fit anyway and start yelling, “Didn’t we tell you to come home early?” I try to explain, “It is early!” We go round and round. I don’t understand them. I do what they say, and they still get mad. When I’m a parent, I will never forget my teenage years. Can you give me some advice that I can show to my parents that will remind them what it was like to be a teenager?

      Answer:  I honor you for having the courage to write to me! You are articulate and direct, and you have explained your predicament clearly. It is evident to me that you are an intelligent teenager. Your parents are lucky to have a son who is actively seeking a solution to a family problem. Wow!

       I don’t believe your parents have forgotten what it was like to be your age. In fact, if you were to ask them, or any other adult, if they would like to relive their teenage years, most likely they would say, “Not on your life!” Sure, they loved the football games and the dances and the other fun things that you love doing, but being a teenager is tough. You are not a child, and you are not yet an adult. You are at a stage of life I call “betwixt and between.” You want to be treated like an adult, yet your parents find that “loosening up on the strings” is easier said than done.

      In spite of this, the problem is not whether you come home “early” enough. The problem is poor communication. Sit down with your parents and ask them to tell you exactly what time they want you to come home after spending an evening with friends. Different activities necessitate different time requirements. Sometimes you and your parents may need to negotiate. This does not mean argue; it means “give and take.” Once you have reached a deal with your parents, you must assume the responsibility of being in the house on time. Otherwise, your parents will “have a fit,” and they will be justified. If an emergency crops up occasionally, make sure to call home.