My friend was noticeably troubled when she told me how her grandson had been bullied on his junior high school campus. The tormentor had slammed a locker door into her grandson’s head—for the fun of it. The victim’s mother was not notified by the school or by a teacher. Why? It is against the school district’s rules to notify parents after a child is targeted. Some sort of privacy policy, I assume. The mother of the bullied boy only found out because her son was open enough to tell her. If he had not shared this frightening episode with his mom, she would never have known or been able to help him.

                  Something sure feels wrong here. The deep ache of childhood intimidation can prove to be unbearable. How many times do we have to hear of suicides or murders being committed by kids who have “suddenly” flown into a rage after years of bullying? Don’t certain discrete elements of society have a duty to address this distressing situation? Certainly, the solution must start within individual family units: building character, honor, and integrity in our children; teaching them confidence through self-defense—both verbal and physical; providing them a reporting plan so that they never feel they are treading water alone; and more. 

                But shouldn’t our family units be working with and enjoying the support of our school districts, teachers, and school counselors, as well? The most alarming aspect of bullying is the overwhelming effect it has on our children. But bullies will benefit if they learn from all of us that they will suffer consequences for their aggressive actions. And the bullied will benefit if they learn from all of us that justice is alive and well in their young world and that there is assistance available when a crisis develops that is bigger than they can handle by themselves.

                  I remember days when parents, teachers, and schools were on the same side, supporting each other in influencing the character of a budding generation. Those are comforting memories. I hope that the ideas of instilling decency and protecting innocent victims eventually pierce through our modern mindset and once again enjoy the warmth of myriad sunbeams on their skin.

                 Question: Dear Dr. Essig, in a few months, my husband and I will become parents for the first time. We’re excited but, at the same time, apprehensive. I was raised with an “anything goes” attitude; my husband’s family raised him with an “iron fist.” Neither one of us wants our child raised the way we were, but frankly we are confused and fearful about  how we should begin. We see so many out-of-control children out there, as well as out-of-control mothers and fathers. How can we be assured of being the perfect parents we want to be

              Answer: First, forget about being “perfect parents.” There are no perfect parents and there are no perfect children, so let’s move on to the real world. You and your husband want to be the very best parents you can be. 

               Start by modeling the attributes you want your youngster to demonstrate, as a child and as an adult—such as, honesty, responsibility, problem solving, and trustworthiness. The qualities you choose will be your “empowerment tools.” These are the traits you will be teaching your child by example—every day in your home. Tune in to your inner voice, your instincts, your Jiminy Cricket. If a behavior you are about to engage in doesn’t feel right, don’t do it!  

              You are not perfect. None of us are. So when you make a parenting mistake, apologize to your child, and when family members err to each other, they should say “I’m sorry.” This is how you can begin to develop into the best parents you can be

               Congratulations on your upcoming arrival and welcome to the world of parenthood! By asking these thoughtful questions, you are off to a great start!

Question:  Dear Dr. Essig, our daughter’s best friend, Sarah, traveled to Africa with her family last month. While there, Sarah contracted a contagious virus that her family assumed was a cold. When they arrived back to the States, Sarah’s condition worsened. Her parents took her to the Emergency Room at our local hospital. Sarah is now quarantined and will not be allowed back in school for several weeks—or possibly months. Our daughter is very upset at not being able to see her best friend, and we are having a hard time consoling her. The girls are both 10 years old. Do you have any suggestions as to how we can help our daughter? 

 Answer:  This is an unusual situation that mom, dad, and daughter were unprepared to handle, but keep in mind that young children are quite resilient. Your daughter will bounce back if she feels that she is taking some action and contributing to the wellbeing of her dear friend. Contact and meet with four or five parents of Sarah’s friends. Talk about having the group do some craft projects that can be sent to the hospital and later to Sarah’s home. These projects can be in the form of letters, pictures, and/or original stories. When Sarah returns home, have a computer-savvy parent create a Web site on which the children can keep in contact with each other. Creativity can take on a life of its own when youngsters are given a chance and a purpose!

             Life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. Parents must prepare their children to deal with the unexpected events that will inevitably appear in their lives.

I just read a touching quote from a junior high school student who was sincerely thanking local police officers who had come into his school to teach him and the other students in his grade about the consequences of engaging in criminal activity. This particular student had recently been approached by some gang members and invited to participate in certain activities with them. The child was surprised at their interest in him, but before he rushed the response he knew they wanted to hear, he took a few minutes to consider what the visiting police officers had taught him. He didn’t want to be handcuffed, dragged into a police station, or sent to juvenile hall. He didn’t want to disappoint the people who loved him most. And he didn’t want to lose his freedom, because he still had a lot to do to get ahead in his tough world.

                Congratulations to this young boy for having the intelligence to think about the consequences before he acted, and the courage to say no to some neighborhood gang members who were bigger and stronger than he. And kudos to the police department for developing an integrative program that is 1) saving the children in their district from the harsh penalties of illegal choices, and 2) saving their community from the profound pain of youth crime.  

            Question:  Dear Dr. Essig, our son broke our neighbor’s short, wire fence after repeatedly being told not to jump over it. Our neighbor is livid, and we are appalled at our son’s lack of responsibility. He seems to be immune to punishment. How can my husband and I teach our son to be more responsible? 

            Answer:  Your son must be part of the solution to the wire fence fiasco. By no stretch of the imagination are you or your husband to repair that fence. Your son, accompanied by his father, should knock on your neighbor’s door and face the consequences. Insist that your son apologize directly to your neighbor for breaking his fence and ignoring his wishes to stop the jumping. Instruct your son to tell the neighbor that he will repair the fence under his father’s supervision. After the fence is repaired, require your son to spend a few hours helping your neighbor perform odd jobs or helping you around the house. This will compensate for the cost of repairing your neighbor’s fence.

             By making your son part of the solution and by calmly explaining to him that he has to accept responsibility for the damage he caused, there will not be a repeat performance of “fence jumping.” You and your husband must be consistent in your expectations for your son. Do not tolerate intolerable behavior, and always be a model of responsibility for your children! 

What the heck is going on out there? Two stories appeared in one week about violence erupting out of a dispute over a girlfriend. In the first story, six young people were shot after getting off of a high school bus in Las Vegas. In the second story, a student clubbed another teen with a hammer during a woodshop class (after asking his woodshop teacher earlier in the day what the penalties are for murder).

                It is common for kids to have a go at arguing, fighting, distorting, and manipulating in their relationships with family and friends. Children have opinions, and they are not always going to agree on everything. But these days some kids are attempting to aim a gun or wield a hammer in order to eliminate an opposing point of view. And this has got to stop.

                Many themes are embedded into these two stories of relationship loss, but I would like to address one small piece of the puzzle—arguing. Parents must teach their children 1) how to disagree respectfully with another person, 2) to understand that they will not always get what they want, and 3) to realize that they will experience losses in their lives, but they will survive—hopefully even stronger than they were before.

                Most parents yawn when they hear it said that adults are distinctive, and they should not expect to agree on many issues—from little things like movie choices to weightier topics like values . Duh! But if parents really do understand grown-up individualism, they better get used to the idea that their children are going to have to learn to hash things out, negotiate, and compromise in order to prepare for the many choices and decisions they will have to make in the future. And that includes listening attentively to opposing viewpoints and responding with consideration for the other speaker. Arguing without deference for the other party is only going to get your kids fired from a summer job, dumped by a new relationship, or snubbed by family members.

                Teaching your children how to argue successfully can absolutely boomerang right back at you. And this can feel a little scary to many parents. But instead of feeling exasperated at my kids’ newfound debating talents, I always delighted in the fact that they were learning how to think new thoughts, form new opinions, and persuade me with logic, rather than emotion. Once their reasoning skills were mastered, my children discovered that they also could apply them to a variety of decision-making situations, like selecting the right school, joining a new group, or deciding on an inspiring career.

                When I encouraged my children to argue their case-of-the-day with me, I was teaching them to form quick responses, to be bold and tenacious in their delivery, and to be fair and just to the other side. Through this process, they discovered that a reasonable solution could almost always be found for any dilemma. As youngsters, they threw away their shield of victimhood and accusation and discovered that they often had the power to change mom or dad’s mind—or at least bend it somewhat. They learned that they couldn’t always get everything they wanted but that they often could get 50 to 80 percent if they made their point with self-restraint and good old common sense.

                Kids who know how to understand and be understood don’t need to brandish a gun or swing a hammer to feel empowered. They recognize that discussions and negotiations are not about winning or losing. They are about gaining the skills needed to eventually succeed at work, school, home, and play. A child who can deliver a solid case and be open to opposing points of view will flow smoothly through society’s countless twists and turns feeling secure, confident, and under control.

How could certain young people be so cruel? Sometimes the stories I hear on the TV news or read in the local newspaper make my head swim. Today I listened uneasily to the story of a beautiful 18-year-old girl named Nikki who was tragically killed in an automobile accident in 2006 while she was driving her father’s car. Through a CHP leak, a picture of her mangled and decapitated body wound up on the Internet, where it was quickly coveted by some heartless teenagers and e-mailed as an attachment to her grieving parents. The perpetrators of this atrocious act even went so far as to camouflage their callousness by making their e-mail message appear as though it were an ordinary, everyday real estate announcement.

                If you asked me to name one quality, above all others, that contributes to human goodness, I would respond “empathy.” Empathy is an understanding and emotional attachment to the feelings of others. As one anonymous quote states, “Empathy is your pain in my heart.” Could someone who embodies this trait ever torment Nikki’s mother and father with graphic photos of their beloved daughter’s bruised and broken body? These poor parents will carry that tragic vision with them for the rest of their lives.

                 Empathetic children contribute more goodness to this world than yet another straight-A report card or high school track record. It is important for society that parents focus on empathy—above and beyond any other quality. How do we raise compassionate children? Here is my answer: By not raising narcissistic children—who are used to getting whatever they want whenever they want it. Members of today’s developing generation must learn from all of us that, yes, they are important, but, no, they are not the center of a universe around which all of the other planetary objects orbit. We are all important. We each have wants and needs. And sometimes our desires diverge. When that happens, it is critical for our youth to realize that their self-centered wishes almost always affect the well-being of the people around them—moms, dads, siblings, relatives, friends, acquaintances, and strangers.

                At this point your brain might be scrambling for techniques that will help you raise empathetic children. Let me share one of my favorites with you. The idea here is to teach your children that other people have feelings too. Picture yourself in a comfortable and genial restaurant. Everyone inside is enjoying a well-deserved evening out. Suddenly the peacefulness of the surroundings is broken by the loud, piercing voice of guess who? Your child. If this happens to you, my advice is to start talking—not about how your child is misbehaving, but about the needs of the other patrons in the establishment. I used to make up stories about the people who were sitting at nearby tables. “See that couple over there? I think they are deeply in love. Maybe he’s going to ask her to marry him tonight.”  As I gently spun my whimsical web, my children got caught in the middle. I could always tell by the size of their eyes. The more story I revealed, the wider their orbs grew. Soon they were captivated and making certain that everyone at our table kept their voices down so that the budding romance next door could continue undisturbed.

                Children who are taught that a plant’s growth can be stunted if it is mistreated, a dog can feel pain if it’s tail is harshly tugged, and a playground friend can hurt when he is pushed out of the way will be less likely to send Nikki’s gruesome Internet photos to her anguished parents. Empathetic children are trained to think before they act—not just about how their actions will affect their own personal world, but in addition, how their actions will affect the space of everything and everybody around them.

“School Dropout Rates Are on the Rise.” This bold, black headline astounded me. Today educational and career opportunities abound. With technological advances, many fresh and innovative employment fields are opening up to our young people. New-fangled job descriptions are being created for them right before our eyes. Corporations are adapting to meet the needs of an up-and-coming worker generation—more multitasking, more teamwork, more perks. And everybody is pulling for our young adults to solve the problems we are struggling with on a daily basis—financial, health, social, environmental, legal, military, scientific, educational, and more.

                With so much at stake and with an entire nation cheering them on, why are our teenagers dropping out of school? I don’t have all of the answers, but I would like to speak to one small piece of the dropout pie—grades.

                Parents often wonder how they should handle grades. Should they push their children to receive straight A’s?  Should they pay for success in the classroom? Should they punish mediocre performances? Many parents are focused on grades above and beyond any other aspect of their child’s life. These parents equate high marks with a prestigious college admission and a financially rewarding career. But I think about grades a little bit differently.

                I believe pushing our children for grades is much less important than developing in them a lifelong love of learning. But how can parents accomplish that? Here are two suggestions: 

1.       Take the time to ask your child what he learned in school today. When he responds, show him that you are interested and enthused by the information. “Wow! That’s fascinating.” Then ask him some follow-up questions so he understands that the topic he shared is so attention-grabbing that you want to hear more. “And how exactly does a worm help the environment?” If your child sees that you are excited about learning, he will become energized as well. In addition, he will feel important when he realizes that he has the ability to stimulate your grown-up mind.

2.       Expose your child to the beauty and intricacies of the world around her. This does not require expensive theatre tickets or time-consuming museum visits. It can be as simple and enjoyable as playing with your youngster on the grass and then marveling together at the wonder of a little, green blade of life. It can be as relaxing and pleasant as stretching out together on a patch of earth and admiring the puffy, white billows that silently drift over your head.

                Grades measure the amount of effort a child has put into a particular class or assignment. But they do not measure the awe a child feels when he views a rocket ship take off into space, a seed grow into a verdant plant, a stone celebrate its 1 millionth birthday, or a tadpole miraculously transform into a frog.

                Love of learning—not grades—will solve many of our society’s problems and keep our kids engaged in education—whether they do it in a formal institution or on their own. A love of learning inspires individuals to delve deeper, understand more thoroughly, and extend further. A love of learning inspires advances of all kinds—in the arts, technology, research, medicine, law, and more. So it is not that important really whether your children are accepted into Harvard, a community college, a trade school, or the workplace. It is vastly more important that they are motivated by the ideas, techniques, and philosophies they are exposed to along the way.

Another mass shooting. More people murdered. This time it’s in a crowded mall during the busiest shopping month of the year. A young man lost his girlfriend and his job. And now families and friends are struggling with the inconsolable aftermath of his actions. The innocent victims have lost their freedom to grow, evolve, progress, and learn. All who knew them will suffer pain, sorrow, confusion, and emptiness for the rest of their natural lives.

                I am sure this armed teenager, who so selfishly wanted to go out with a “bang,” felt that many factors contributed to his homicidal/suicidal frame of mind. But after reading the account of his actions in the newspaper, I would like to concentrate on one—the importance of maintaining balance in one’s life.

                I often tell parents and children that a balanced life can help prevent devastation and obsession. When we decide that one thing represents the entirety of our life—a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a college campus, a career, a relationship with a friend/child/parent, a sport, a talent, et cetera—and we subsequently lose that thing (through our actions, the acts of others, illness, disability, forces of nature, et cetera), suddenly we have no life. And when we feel we have no life, it seems useless to make the effort, expend the energy, and reach the decisions that have the potential to turn the sorrow around.

                For the benefit of our society, parents must work to maintain a healthy balance in their children’s lives—of intellectual, creative, social, and physical pursuits. Children who are involved in sports, exercise, the arts, cerebral stimulation, and communal activities are less likely to fall into a melancholic state after losing one of their many motivating relationships or activities. A setback in one area of their lives may cause them, legitimately, to feel disappointed; after all, they have suffered a real dent in their psyches. But that loss probably will not create a fatal feeling of total and utter despair—the type of hopelessness that causes a juvenile to question the right of others to exist.

                It’s a simple thing, really. People who enrich their days with multiple pursuits find life too exciting and inspiring to even consider ending it—for themselves or for others—over a temporary childhood trouncing.