Smart, talented, happy, successful, and popular—these are qualities most parents hope to develop in their kids. But how impressive is a child’s intelligence if he has no sense of his personal hygiene? And how remarkable is a youngster’s talent if she has no clue how to schedule her time? Will a cheerful child carry on in good spirits if he doesn’t learn to value the property and feelings of others? Will a successful child continue to flourish if she doesn’t know how to listen to others or welcome feedback? Can a well-liked youngster maintain a long-term relationship if he doesn’t learn how to share unselfishly?

These are interesting questions. And Marlaine Cover, of Parenting 2.0, has the answers. Marlaine has created the tool we need to develop our children’s character and endurance: the new and necessary Life Skills Report Card.

Grades, ability, achievement, and acceptance are only part of the childhood equation. To cultivate decency alongside success, softer life skills—like personal care, organizational ability, respect for self and others, communication know-how, and social ease—must be given equal, if not greater, attention.

Marlaine Cover’s Life Skills Report Card enables parents and children to measure their progress as they work together to cultivate decency in a developing generation. And the results are a win-win for everyone concerned. Moms and dads enjoy the confidence of knowing that their kids will have the capacity to survive, compete, and excel as adults. Kids appreciate the assurance they gain through lessons learned about self-reliance and social interaction. And society rests easier as her youngsters prepare to take responsibility for their actions.

I highly recommend Marlaine Cover’s comprehensive approach to child-rearing. Her practical techniques present a simple and realistic way to produce civilized human beings, an outcome that is more relevant today than ever.

                How does a parent raise a child who promotes and plans for the slaughter of innocent victims? What do you have to do—or not do—to release into society an adult who has little regard for human life and who is focused on destruction and desolation? In the case of James von Brunn, who recently attacked the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., and murdered a blameless security guard, we may never know the details of his upbringing. Most likely, there are many complex contributing factors. But some recent descriptions of the perpetrator provide one important clue to his malicious mindset: “elusive,” “lone wolf,” and “loner.”

                The story of terror and death at the Holocaust Museum reminds me of a book that has been pivotal in my life: Altruistic Personality, Rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe, by Samuel P. Oliner. This book studied the personal traits of ordinary people who risked their lives to save Jews in 1940s Europe. What did these humanitarians have in common? Of course, parenting styles and personal attributes were addressed. But the one distinguishing feature that stood out above all others was this: a connection to the community that surrounded them.

                Balance, participation, commitment, and community connect children to something that is bigger than they are. Kids should not focus solely on their feelings: “I want this and I crave that.” They should not live life as elusive loners. Conversely, children should feel as if they are part of a family, a team, a club, a school, an organization, and a neighborhood. When kids are active players in society, they become an entwined segment of humanity.

                In My Goodness: My Kids, Cultivating Decency in a Dangerous World, I devote a chapter to “Balance.” In this chapter, I encourage children to live full and active lives that stimulate their intellect, inspire their creativity, fuel their physical activity, and engender compassion for the needs of others. I don’t suggest these activities in order to keep childhood boredom at bay or to fill an empty calendar. I promote this viewpoint to protect children from negative influences, both internal and external, and to encourage them to develop and connect socially. Throughout their childhoods, kids soar to countless highs and plummet to countless lows. If their lives are replete with varied activities and companions, when one thing doesn’t work out, youngsters feel nothing more than a bump in the road—not total and dismal destruction. Balanced kids suffer pain temporarily; they don’t let their distress rise to a boiling point of angry expression.

                A balanced individual does not cut off his arm to express his personal anger. That’s a no-brainer. His arm is part of his identity. Nor does a balanced human being cut off the life of an innocent victim to release suppressed rage. That potential target—that security guard—is part of his greater community.

                If you want to raise good children, cultivate their community relationships—artistic, physical, intellectual, and charitable. Take responsibility for what happens in your home. Raise honorable, responsible, and involved kids. We will all be safer as a result of your commitment.

An expectant mom gently strokes her expanding belly and fearfully reflects: “Could my developing son or daughter become the next Bernie Madoff cheat? manipulator? narcissist? I love my child deeply, but didn’t Mr. Madoff’s mother love him just as much? Will love alone develop character in my child, or do honesty and integrity require something more?”

                Is there anything this mom-to-be can initiate now to ensure that her child acts honestly and decently throughout elementary school, middle school, high school, and beyond? You bet there is! First, she can start mulling over the concept of honesty—at this moment, before her baby is born. How does an honest child affect the level of harmony in the home? the neighborhood? the schoolyard? And, conversely, how does a dishonest child affect these same settings? Is honesty going to be treated as a serious character issue in her home? Or is a dishonest act going to be overlooked because her child is too cute and too young to confront? Is honesty a concept she should start to consider presently, or is it something she can postpone to an ambiguous, far-way time?

                When one of my sons was in fifth grade, he literally stole a cookie from the teacher’s cookie jar. While he was hailed as a hero by his brutish buddies, I had a different reaction. It would have been easy for me to overlook his act as bravado. After all, I knew he was just a young boy testing his limits. But it would not have been in his best interest for me to let it pass.

                Dishonest children are not trusted by their parents—or anyone else, for that matter. I explained to my son that the theft of the cookie meant that I could no longer trust him to be honest and respectful of other people’s belongings. Awareness registered in his mind. When he tells this story, he identifies that feeling as guilt. But he always is careful to add, “Any guilt I might have felt was not forced upon me by means of a guilt trip; my parents had already shown me in advance that there are many benefits to reap by being a trustworthy person.”

                That day I explained to my son that he could gradually earn back my trust (and his skateboard) by showing me evidence of good deeds. As a young boy, he wanted all of the extras he could get. So he quickly learned to regulate his behavior in order to secure my trust.

                Pondering the consequences of honesty and dishonesty is an important first step for parents to take. Making honesty a family priority comes next. Moms and dads can establish honesty as a priority by modeling it for their children—every moment of every day. That means they must return extra change when it is mistakenly dropped into their open palms. They must inform the grocery clerk when they are accidently undercharged. They must truthfully tally points during the family’s weekly board game. In short, parents must lead honorable lives.

                Our anxious mom-to-be need not worry about raising a swindler or a fraud. With a little bit of forethought and lots of deeds, she can raise the next Bill Gates philanthropist, instead. But in order to raise an honest person, she must be an honest person. She must recognize honesty and trustworthiness as vital components of good character. And she must teach her children consistently, until honesty becomes so natural to them that they no longer feel the need to test the boundaries of decency.

Little Joey hit another child on the playground. Guess what his mother did. She ran up to her son and asked him about his feelings, the ones that led up to the intimidating act. Is her reaction the best one for Joey—and the best one for society at large?

                My local San Diego newspaper just ran a story about the “Consensual Living” movement, which began in 2006. The gist of the movement is that all family members are on the same plane, which means 1) that children have an equal voice in deciding family matters, and 2) that more traditional moms and dads are being coercive and destructive to the psychological health of their children.

                In my book, My Goodness: My Kids, I express some politically incorrect ideas. Here are some examples:  1) Parents should act as the alpha dogs within the family unit; 2) family members should live within a hierarchy that places the parents unapologetically at the top; and 3) parents should raise children with one eye on what is happening in their home and the other eye on what is happening in their schools and neighborhoods.

                There is nothing consensual about “consensual living.” If Joey grabs a toy away from his little brother, is the burden on his younger sibling to consent and then understand that Joey is having a bad day? If Joey hits his mother because he did not get his way, is she supposed to consent and then praise him for releasing his pent-up feelings? If Joey spews foul language in the classroom, is the teacher supposed to consent and then support Joey’s need to communicate his anger? If Adolescent Joey steals a car, is the police officer supposed to consent and then empathize with Joey’s “need” for transportation? And when Adult Joey embezzles money from his employer, is his boss supposed to consent and then forgive him for the bookkeeping “error”?

                Although all of us are on the same human plane, there is nothing level about our standing in society. The U.S. president has more authority than the vice-president. A CEO has more power than a middle manager. And a parent who wants to prepare her kids for adulthood and the workplace better have more say-so than her children do. 

                If you want to live in an isolated bubble with only your family members, fine. Enjoy consensual living. But if you intend to share space with the rest of us, then consent when your kids behave honorably, and punish and teach when they don’t. Your child’s character and behavior affects all of us. Proudly use your position as a parent to cultivate decency in your offspring. Your kids’ psychological health depends upon it—and so does ours.

As I was listening to the news and preparing for my workday, I heard a story that aroused my interest. It concerned a sex-advice text line for children between the ages of 14-19. I am all in favor of kids learning about sex–and at a much earlier stage than teenage-hood. But is a sex-advice text line the best place for our youngsters to probe this stimulating topic?

Before I get to my biggest concern about texted sex advice, let me express some preliminary misgivings. 1) Can the counselor who is answering a child’s question be certain of the age of the youngster they are responding to? 2) If a counselor provides more information than a child is ready to take in, could he or she be exposing our kids to potentially dangerous situations? 3) Is it possible that the advice givers have a sexual agenda they are seeking to pass on to our children? 4) Does texted sex advice undercut a parent’s role and rights?

Number 4 is the biggie for me. Although a sex-advice text line may offer some cold, hard, technical facts, it is missing the most important elements of sex education—the morals and responsibilities that must infuse the topic. These missing elements can only be conveyed by committed parents/care givers who are dedicated to raising honorable and responsible children.

Should we teach our soccer-playing children the rules of the game without educating them about such values as effort, fair play, and teamwork? Of course not! Nor should a remote text message be instructing our kids where to put their tongues when they are kissing (an actual text question) without including that family’s standards of respect, honesty, and commitment.

Parents, do your job. Teach your children about sex long before they turn 14. And while you are at it, make sure your child understands your family’s principles of sexual ethics and decency. If you don’t teach sex education to your children, somebody else will. You do all of our sons and daughters a great disservice if a moral code is missing from the mix.

                Michael Phelps has lost a lot – endorsements, income, trust, and respect. But his public ordeal is a gift to those parents who have the sense to recognize it and the spirit to act on it. A parent’s job is to raise honorable and responsible children who will one day become honorable and responsible adults. That means that parents must constantly be on the lookout for character-building opportunities, the kind that happen in family units every day.

                When Michael Phelps smoked an illegal substance at a college party, his contribution to parenting became significant. Michael Phelps opened the door for moms and dads to discuss many topics with their children—and to instill their family values while in the process. Here are some questions you may want to bring up with your children:

1.       Are you willing to restrain your social impulses and think about possible consequences before you act, even if you are surrounded by a room full of energetic and influential peers?

2.       Do the decisions you make impact you exclusively, or do they affect others, as well—your family, your friends, your school, and your neighborhood?

3.       Trust can be lost in an instant. Can it be earned back? If so, how?

4.       What are you willing to risk in order to keep the things you have worked so hard for?

5.       What’s more important? The physical courage it takes to swim faster, longer, and harder than anyone else? Or the moral courage it takes to control your urges and act responsibly?

6.       When you stand out from the crowd and behave wisely, are peers more likely to mock your viewpoint or admire your conviction?

7.        Would real friends encourage you to smoke that joint, knowing that by doing so you would be risking your name and reputation?

8.       After Michael Phelps lost his Kellogg endorsement, he apologized. Was that apology enough? Does he need to do more to satisfy his followers?

Parents want their children to be professionally successful, well liked, financially independent, and happy. But the world will benefit most from children who are raised primarily to be good. Good children grow into individuals who bring humanity and security to a fragile world. Here is a list of the top 5 traits to instill in kids—for society’s sake:

1.       Empathy—Compassion underlies all morality. A person cannot act honorably if he or she is unable to relate to the feelings, situations, and motives of others, and attach to them emotionally. Youngsters cannot act kindly if they believe they are the center of the universe and consider their feelings supreme. Empathy is powerful. It can prevent one child from hurting another through physical violence or humiliation. The Columbine shooters displayed a lack of empathy to the extreme.

2.       Humility—Humility elicits wonder and admiration from others. It inspires those of us who recognize it to explore our own characters—to soul-search and to measure ourselves against it. Humility is a modest, unassuming, unpretentious nature that incorporates a polite respect for others. Humble people glide smoothly from one place to another. They have no egos to feed. They do now blow their own horns or sing their own praises. They are as attentive to the local server or grocery clerk as they are to the most esteemed corporate head.

3.       Individuality—It takes courage to stand alone when peer pressure is pushing in on you from every angle. Independent thinkers have strong backbones that protect them from being influenced by the behavior of others. They are not afraid to make tough choices and to risk some losses. Children who confidently think outside the teenage box are often appreciated, respected, and admired by their peers for being able to extend beyond conventional group think. Distinctive kids are proud of being unique and eccentric, and they delight in not fitting in. These children become leaders of healthy trends, developers of fresh ideas, and creators of new ways of accomplishing things.

4.       Balance—Balance brings poise and equilibrium to our potholed lives. Maintaining stability means living a full and active life that stimulates the intellect, inspires creativity, fuels physical activity, and arouses care and curiosity. When a child’s life is replete with varied activities, disappointments (like failed friendships) produce nothing more than a slight bump in the road—not total and dismal destruction. When something leaves a hole in the fabric of a steady child, other activities and interests rush in to fill the space. Balance ensures that childhood pressures don’t interrupt the flow of our children’s lives, cripple their performance, depress their dispositions, or attract them to unhealthy and numbing alternative solutions.

5.       Self-Control—Eric Hoffer worte: “The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do.” To children, freedom is the confidence their parents have in them to do the right thing—to leave that party or to get out of that car. Maintaining freedom is having the restraint not to do the irresponsible thing—not to drink that beer or smoke that joint. Children who have the self-control to think ahead about consequences to rash and reckless behavior, learn to make wise decisions and lead decent lives. Choosing to live within the family unit’s rules and regulations ensures continued trust, respect, and freedom—all of which are earned by performing honorable acts.

Evil exists, and there are many ways to combat it. We can fight it, arrest it, “treat” it, and understand it. Or we can avoid some of it by giving our children tools and reasons for being good, for having integrity, and for demonstrating character. As William Ross Wallace wrote, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.”

What’s happening to our girls? Are they sugar and spice and everything nice? Maybe not.

Recently, the FBI released its 2007 crime statistics. The report confirmed a nationwide drop in violent crime. Hallelujah! Immediately, I clicked on the referenced Web site, http://www.fbi.gov/page2/sept08/crimestats_091508.html. I was eager to get the breakdown of the good news. Most of the figures represented trends for all ages, but I was most interested in the data for kids under 18. Here it is: “Table 35: Five-Year Arrest Trends.” This table reflects percentages for the under-18 crowd, and it also breaks down the information into “male” and “female” categories. Perfect!

But it wasn’t perfect. Out of 31 categories of crimes, boys’ arrests went up in nine of them over the last five years: murder/non-negligent manslaughter (+27.3%); robbery (+34.2%); violent crime (+6.0%); embezzlement (+40.7%); vandalism (+4.0%); weapons (+12.9%); gambling (+11.3%); drunkenness (+0.1%); and curfew/loitering violations (+2.6%).

Out of the same 31 categories, girls’ arrests went up in 13 of them over the last five years: murder/non-negligent manslaughter (+10.5%); robbery (+38.7%); other assaults (+3.3%); embezzlement (+46.8%); stolen property/buying/receiving (+10.3%); vandalism (+0.6%); weapons (+0.6%); prostitution (+12.7%); driving under the influence (+4.6%); liquor laws (+9.5%); Drunkenness (+12.2%); disorderly conduct (+4.7%); and curfew/loitering (+3.9%).

The boys’ numbers went down for DUIs, liquor laws, and disorderly conduct; and they had only a slight increase (0.1%) in drunkenness. But the girls went up substantially in all of these categories, and more.

What is going on? Have we focused all of our time, money, and energy on combating male juvenile crime, but ignored what is happening with our girls? Have we naively assumed that underage girls are gentler and more passive, and that we don’t need to consider them when mulling over crime reduction programs and strategies?

I don’t like it, but the Western world is pressing for gender sameness. We want everyone to be identical and to live in a homogenous unisex setting where men choose to portray themselves as more sensitive and women choose to announce their gender equality. Well, that announcement has been loudly heard in the FBI’s 2007 crime statistics.

These figures depict a conflicted generation. Girls are trying to solve their problems the way they think boys solve theirs. But crime data and You Tube videos show us that that may not be the best or safest path for our daughters to take. Girls who are comfortable in their own skin don’t need to act like someone else in order to feel equal or powerful. They know they are perfectly equal and plenty powerful just the way they are. Children who understand and accept their innate tendencies enjoy greater feelings of contentment and tranquility. If these two qualities were adopted by more of our children, the world would be a kinder, safer place for all of us.

The bagel I was eating was toasty warm, but inside, I was fuming mad. My anger started out as a small flame, something akin to a stovetop burner. But as time progressed, my simmer intensified to a forest fire. Do you want to know why? Well, here’s the story:

Two tables down from my husband and me, a mother and her son were also enjoying warm bagels. This kid was so cute! He had blond, tousled hair; cherub cheeks; and a sweet disposition. I wonder if his mother noticed how adorable he was. Probably not. Because she was spending every moment of her restaurant time with him animatedly engaged with a girlfriend on her cell phone. Not once during our little bagel adventure did she interact with her child. Not once!

Some people say that the United States is absorbed in a burgeoning self-esteem movement. But that was not apparent with this mom and son. Spending 20 minutes across the table from a delightful, dimpled youngster, and ignoring him for every one of those minutes, did little for that child’s budding sense of worth. In fact, I consider this mom’s self-preoccupation to be a neglectful act—an act of omission—that has the potential to harm her child in a variety of ways.

Parents have a job. That job is to release decent human beings into society. This is an enormous responsibility that requires planning and spontaneity; thought and action—continually for a good 18 years. Children who are ignored by people who are supposed to care about them will eventually try to seek out attention in ways their parents do not approve of and in ways that are potentially harmful to them. Kids who crave attention are fodder for predatory groups who are eager to accept them into the fold and then influence them to do things that would make their parents cringe (violent acts, sex, drugs, alcohol, et cetera).

By sitting down with your child, bagel in hand, and engaging in youthful conversation, you are sending a message to your youngster that he is interesting, charming, and fun to be with. Children who believe they have these qualities, don’t need to troll in an unfamiliar social pond hoping to catch a friend or two who will make him feel important and connected.

Parents, your job extends way beyond filling your child’s tummy with a warm sesame seed bagel. It also includes talking and laughing and teaching and bonding—in the hope that your child will behave throughout his lifetime in a way that will bring you joy and make you proud.

During a recent four-day road trip, my husband and I ate in lots of restaurants and observed plenty of parents in action—or inaction, as the case may be. One morning, we visited a funky, family-friendly breakfast buffet that featured a microcosm of parenting styles.

In the back left-corner of the restaurant sat a squirming, high-pitched infant whose parents were deaf to the annoying tone and the offensive volume their little one was hurling from his high chair. It never occurred to them to entertain their child outside the confines of the dining room until he or she calmed down. I watched the other patrons scrunch up their faces in painful portrayals of agitation and upset. As the baby’s poker-faced parents shoved forkfuls of pancakes into their unaffected mouths, they did not seem to notice the reaction of the other people in the room. I wonder…will their self-absorbed role modeling teach their child to develop into a narcissistic adult?

Back and to the right, near the kitchen, sat a couple who were sharing a meal with an adorable and very verbal preschooler. She was smiling full face as she expressed one amazing observation after another. To their shame, her two parents were indifferent to every word she so ardently shared—absolutely no response. Not one confirming touch, nod, or smile. I wonder…for how many years will she continue to be awed by the splendor of ordinary objects (like slick, shiny spoons), and how long will it take before she stops communicating her ideas altogether to such a vacant and expressionless audience?

To the left of our table and near the front door sat a mom and her teenage daughter. Their features sagged from years of sorrow, neglect, and detachment. They failed to engage in the delightful, and often meaningless, chitchat that so many mothers and daughters share. Instead, they gave in to silence and glum. I wonder…how lovingly will this daughter relate to her own offspring when she eventually becomes a mother?

Right next to our table sat the grand prize—a mother and five-year-old daughter who were so absorbed in their banter and play that they hardly noticed anything else around them. The girl spoke to her mom respectfully and pleasantly. And she treated the servers and other patrons with the same reverence.  “Please” and “thank you” dripped from this child as effortlessly as ice cream escapes from its cone on a warm, summer day. Both participants’ eyes twinkled as they joyfully interacted with one another.

After observing this mother-daughter duo for a bit, I inhaled a deep and wholesome breath and then released a contented sigh. Aaaah! The sheer beauty of it. A mom who took the time to teach her child that her behavior affects everyone else around her. A mom who listened, interacted, taught, and played. A mom who delighted in spending time with her youngster.

I don’t have to wonder what kind of adult this young girl will eventually become. I already know. She will be empathetic, confident, capable, and responsible. I feel privileged to have witnessed one small moment in the development of an honorable and decent human being.