Interfaith Second Marriage

Dear Dr. Essig,

My twin sister and I are 14 years old. We are straight “A” students. We don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. We are involved in extracurricular activities. So what’s the problem? Here it is—in a cracked nutshell!

Six month ago, our mother married our stepfather. We love him very much, and we call him “Dad.” My mom, sister and I are Christians, and our dad is Jewish. The four of us have no religious problems. We attend both Temple and Church. But my mom, sister, and I prefer the Temple, and we want to convert to Judaism. This is our idea, not our dad’s.

Our grandmother (our mother’s mom) is livid that our mother married outside of her faith, and she is open and obvious about her feelings! Is my grandmother a bigot? My sister and I are afraid she will try to break up our parents’ loving marriage. When she finds out that we all want to convert to Judaism, fireworks are going to fly!

Bewildered Twins

Dear Bewildered Twins,

Your family is a strong and loving one, and it cannot easily be broken. I have some ideas that I want to share, but first, let’s tackle the subject of conversion.

Conversion is a serious step to take, and the commitment is lengthy, not “drive-through.” Although you and your sister are not yet legal adults, in the eyes of Judaism you can have a bat mitzvah and take the oath at age 13. You, your sister, and your mom would have to study Hebrew for approximately two or three years. Are you willing to take that on?

Next, do not discuss conversion with your grandmother right now. She is not able to deal with an interfaith marriage yet, let alone the conversion of her daughter and granddaughters. Your grandmother may not be a bigot at all; she just may be in unfamiliar territory. She probably has never had anyone in her family marry outside of her faith. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to act around your dad.

Ask your dad to invite your grandmother to a family dinner and a movie. In addition, include her in other activities that you think she may enjoy. Your grandmother needs to get to know your father as a person, not merely as someone who practices a different faith. The subject of conversion may not even come up for two years or more. Until then, include her in family events, and attend church with her once in a while. I believe your grandmother will come around. With a little bit of patience and attention, it won’t be long before your grandmother learns to love your new dad.

Dear Dr. Essig,

My senior prom is coming up soon. I am so excited! And my parents are excited for me. My boyfriend and I have been going steady since middle school, and my parents like him very much. Both sets of parents approve of our relationship. And they are all happy that we will be attending the same college in the fall. Neither my boyfriend nor I have ever caused our parents anxiety—until now.

My boyfriend and I both drive, and neither one of us has ever had an accident or a traffic ticket, which we think speaks well of our character. Our parents have banded together and decided that we cannot drive any of the family cars to the prom, which is located only 10 miles from where we live. Since all of our friends will be going to Magic Mountain after the prom, our parents insist on driving us to the prom, to Magic Mountain, and home again afterwards. Imagine what our friends will think; they will think that our parents treat us like little children.

–Why Can’t We Drive?

Dear Why Can’t We Drive,

Thank you for bringing this issue to the forefront. You and your boyfriend are “over the moon” with your high school graduation, senior prom, and college plans. Your parents share this excitement with you. But there is one emotion your parents are feeling that is different from the exhilaration you are experiencing. That emotion is fear. To one degree or another, most parents feel fear when their teenagers are driving. That fear is intensified on prom night. Why? Statistics show that the accident rate on prom night is higher than usual, and that is the root of your parents’ angst.

Let me offer you a compromise—one that you, you boyfriend, and the parents can all live with. Instead of having anyone’s parents drive you to the prom, to Magic Mountain, and home again, how about having both families, including you and your boyfriend, split the cost of a taxi or car service for the evening. That way, instead of ridiculing you, your friends will envy you. And your parents will not have to worry about you and your boyfriend driving on the same road as all of the other teenage drivers.

Learn to be a leader and a trend setter. Set an example that other kids can follow. By thinking outside of the box, you can teach this year’s juniors to plan ahead and to save money early so that next year they can follow in your footsteps!

Ride to prom in style, and then let me know how it went. Congratulations on your high school graduation, and on your entry into college. A high school prom is a once-in-a-lifetime event…enjoy yourself!

Dr. Essig

Dear Dr. Essig,

                My mother is angry because I told my 11- and 12-year-old kids why she and my father divorced when I was a college student. I think my children are entitled to know why. I didn’t make up any stories or embellish any details. I simply told my children the truth about Grandma and Grandpa.

                My mother told me it was not my place to discuss her divorce with my children. She thinks I have meddled in her business.

                 I’m a good mother, and I did what I thought was best for my children. If you think I was “out of line,” I will apologize to my mother. I did not intend to hurt her.

                –Befuddled Daughter

Dear Befuddled Daughter,

                Many adult children hang on to painful memories of divorce. No matter how old a child is when it happens, divorce is devastating.

                As for telling your children the “grizzly” details of your parents’ divorce, you were out of line. You should not have shared any information you felt contributed to your parents’ decision.

You are your children’s mother, but your mother is their grandmother. The bond between grandparents and their grandchildren is special, and tampering with that connection is off limits.

                Here is my “rule of thumb”: Before you say something you may later regret, ask yourself this: What purpose will it serve? If there is no purpose, “bite your tongue.”

                I sense you have some residual issues with your mother that need to be resolved. Do not continue to cling to old feelings. It’s a waste of energy! Enjoy a loving relationship with your mother while you can. If you are unable to accomplish this on your own, find a reputable counselor to help you. When the inevitable time comes that your mother is no longer here, you will be grateful for the warm relationship that developed.

                Invite your mother for a cup of coffee or a phone conversation. Tell her you are sorry for what you have done. Don’t belabor the point. A sincere apology will do. And don’t beat yourself to a pulp over this. Your issue can be resolved. The big trick is not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

                Let go of old hurts and repair the current ones. You cannot change the past, no matter how you try.

                School is not a game of wits between parents and their children; it is a serious business. More often than not, your child’s classroom performance is a predictor of his or her future workplace performance. Parents must take an active role in their children’s education, and the time to start is in kindergarten. Today’s kindergarteners do more than sing and play. Most likely, they are learning to read simple stories and develop basic math skills.

                To help ensure your child’s educational success, ask “Johnny or Susie” to tell you what they did in school—every day. Do not accept “nothing” as an answer. Probe them, and then probe them some more. Be an active participant in your child’s school day. This also applies to children in the lower grades. These days, even the youngest students receive homework assignments. If you get nervous every time you mention “schoolwork” to your youngster, it’s time to get on the phone and make an appointment with the teacher.

                If you’re available, volunteer in your child’s classroom. I’m not aware of too many teachers who would turn down extra help. Make yourself visible. Your son or daughter may ask, “Mom, why do you have to be in my classroom?” And your answer should be simple: “I love you and I enjoy seeing what you do in school.” While you are helping in the classroom, you will be getting a “bird’s eye” view of where your child is, educationally speaking, compared to the other students in the room. If you think you need to have a conference with the teacher, make an appointment to discuss your concerns. Keep an open mind and remain objective.

                One of your goals as a parent is to help your kids succeed. One way to do that is to take an active role in their education. When you get involved, your children will be the lucky beneficiaries of your effort, your interest, and your love.

Dear Dr. Essig,

My parents are overreacting. They yelled at me and called me a thief just because my mom found some things that didn’t belong to me hidden in my room—a small TV, a Blackberry, and a digital camera. Listening to them, you would think I was going to wind up as a crook and do hard time. I’m only 14 years old, and I’m just having fun. I have good goals. I want to go to college and become an FBI agent. And my friends think I’m really cool.

I love both my parents, and I know that they love me and want the best for me. I don’t want to disappoint them. I promise to follow your advice.

–Not a Bad Kid

Dear Not a Bad Kid,

Whew! As I began reading your letter, I was preparing to put on my boxing gloves. Then, after I read your last paragraph and your signature, I pushed my boxing gloves away—along with the advice I was planning to give you.

Your parents are not overreacting. They were shocked, disappointed, and angry at what they discovered. They probably thought that their dreams for you were going up in smoke. Give some serious thought to types of items your parents found hidden in your room. They were not three chocolate bars, you know.

Here’s my advice: First, immediately return all of the hidden items to their rightful owners—whether they belonged to a store or to an individual. If you can’t remember where they came from, donate them to a charitable organization. When you return these items, have one or both of your parents drive you—not your friends.

Next, it’s too bad your friends think you’re cool. With friends like that, you don’t have to look too far for enemies. Put some energy into finding new friends! By the way, if you had been arrested and convicted of stealing, you would have had to “kiss” a career with the FBI good-by. The FBI would not consider hiring you with theft in your background.

Finally, give each one of your parents a hug and a kiss, and tell them you will never, ever do anything that stupid again! Mean what you say, and say it with meaning. Your future depends upon your sincerity. You did a very foolish thing; however, I agree that you are not a bad kid. A bad kid would not have written to me, not have promised to follow my advice, and not have told me that he loves his parents.

Trust must be earned, and it will take awhile for you to gain back your parents’ trust. The three of you must be patient with each other for a while. The burden is on you, Not a Bad Kid. I have faith in you because, as you so aptly said, you love your parents and they love you.

Dear Dr. Essig,

I am a 14-year-old girl who has just started high school. I’ve always had good grades, and I’ve never given my parents a reason to distrust me. They know most of my friends, and they like them. In fact, many of my friends’ parents are friends with my mom and dad. Now, all of a sudden, my parents don’t trust me. When they ask me where I’ve been, I tell them, but they say things like, “Are you sure?”

What’s gotten into them? I haven’t changed since I graduated from middle school. I’ve never been in trouble before. What can I say or do to make them trust me again?

Unhappy Daughter,

Dear Unhappy Daughter,

I don’t think your problem has anything to do with your parents not trusting you. While you were in elementary school, you were their “little girl.” When you moved on to middle school, you felt you were growing up, but your parents still saw you as their “little girl.” Now that you are in high school, you and your parents both know that you are, indeed, growing up!

 Your teenage emotions and thoughts—about dating, driving, and dreams for the future—are different from those of your parents. After nurturing you and protecting you throughout your 14 years, they now have to let you “spread your wings” and prepare yourself for the future. It’s not about a lack of trust, “Unhappy Daughter.” It’s about fear mixed with excitement for what the future will bring—for you and for them.

Driving safety is a big concern for parents. And so is dating, especially for dads of daughters. Dads usually have strong opinions about the boys their daughters date. College elicits a variety of emotions, and anxiety about money is one of the biggest. Finances will determine whether you live at home or live away at college during your post-high school years.

 Right now, all of these issues seem exciting to you! But this time came faster for your parents than they thought it would. They really do trust you. They’re simply reacting to the realization that their little girl is growing up and will soon be on her way.

Your parents realize that life is changing. Reassure them that you are still the same old you and that you will continue to get good grades. Invite them for an evening of football and pizza once in awhile. Maybe your friends’ parents can come too.

 It won’t be long before you fly out of the “nest.” These high school years will fly by for all of you. Your family has entered a new and exciting stage! This is all part of the preparation.

Dear Dr. Essig,

My family is in a quandary over proper manners. I don’t mean the typical “Thank you” and “You’re welcome” type of manners; my sister, Carol, and I are rather good at that sort of thing. But our grandmother thinks that every time my sister and I are introduced to adults, we should extend a hand and say, “I’m happy to meet you” or “Pleased to meet you.” Oh, I forgot to mention that my sister and I are twins, and we will be turning 13 in October. It seems kind of silly to me to force a grown-up action on two girls who are almost teenagers; but my sister and I have agreed to follow your advice. Often, Carol and I search the computer for interesting suggestions or ideas, and that’s how we discovered you. Kind of weird, huh? Before my grandmother brought the subject of handshaking up, no one ever said that Carol and I are impolite kids. What is your opinion of teenagers shaking hands with the adults they are introduced to?

–Just call me “Puzzled”

Dear Puzzled,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me about teenagers shaking hands with adults. And by the way, I don’t think your question is weird at all. Before I begin to address your family’s quandary, though, let me say that I find your letter to be a “breath of fresh air.” You and Carol didn’t slough off your grandmother’s concern regarding handshaking manners—or what she perceives to be a lack of handshaking manners. Your willingness to abide by my advice indicates that the two of you honor your grandmother and value her wisdom, which was gained through age and experience. You and your sister are two admirable almost-teenagers. I’m sure your parents and grandmother are proud of both of you.

Now, back to your quandary. I do not believe for one minute that your grandmother was criticizing you because you didn’t shake adults’ hands when you were introduced to them. Your grandmother views handshaking as a courteous act. When a young teenager shakes my hand and says, “I’m happy to meet you,” I am very impressed with that youngster. That child has bestowed respect and honor on me, a person who has lived longer and experienced more. Really, “Puzzled,” I don’t think displaying good manners will ever be considered old fashioned.

I’m probably about your grandmother’s age. Recently, I had occasion to introduce my almost-13-year-old grandson to one of my neighbors. I was extremely proud of him when he reached out, shook my friend’s hand, and said, “I’m happy to meet you.” That kind of etiquette will never go out of style.

You and Carol sound terrific! I would be honored to shake your hands one day!

Dear Dr. Essig,

Last night my parents announced to my brother and me (16 and 17) that we are going to have a baby brother or sister in six months. We were speechless!  My brother is applying to colleges, and our parents were preparing for an empty nest—not a full house. Our mother will be sitting at our basketball games wearing maternity clothes!  Our friends will know that our parents are having sex. Our parents are too old to have sex! This is so embarrassing!

We don’t know how to handle our feelings. Will I have to babysit all the time? Will I have a life of my own? Please help my brother and me sort this out. We are confused and, honestly, not as happy as our parents think we should be.

–Shocked Siblings

Dear Shocked Siblings,

For a variety of reasons, there is an age at which children are too young to have sex. However, it’s time to bring you down to planet Earth about adults. There is no age limit for adults to stop having sex. Sex is a normal and healthy part of a good marriage. Don’t be embarrassed by your parents’ love for one another.

At your age, it’s almost impossible to think of sex as anything other than a physical act that provides instant gratification. But for your parents, it’s different. After 18-plus years of commitment, they still enjoy sharing the intimacies of marriage. While this is difficult for you to comprehend right now, you will come to appreciate this concept in the not-too-distant future.

I bet euphoria was not your parents’ first reaction when they found out they were having another child. After all, they finally were catching sight of the end of their parenting years. A third child is going to be a big adjustment for them; a bigger adjustment than it’s going to be for you and your brother. You get to sleep right through the 2 a.m. feedings; they do not. They will be starting a new parenting cycle, yet again.

As for your mother sitting in the bleachers wearing maternity clothes, stop worrying. Your friends will love the baby and will probably offer to babysit. In fact, they might even be a tad envious of your relationship with your new sibling. And speaking of babysitting, 1) unless your parents are party animals, they won’t be going out much for a while, and 2) you’ll probably enjoy babysitting now and then.

Sister sibling, go shopping with your mom for baby clothes, furniture, and the like. Brother sibling, talk with your dad about the kinds of things you two can do together with the baby. For example, how about putting the little one in a baby “backpack” and taking him or her out to a ball game?

You and your brother were taken by surprise; that’s all. You will be a terrific big sister, and he will be a terrific big brother. The baby will look up to both of you, and you will have a new and improved role within your family unit.

Dear Dr. Essig,

This past week my mother, husband, and I were informed that my father has dementia. He wanders away from home, and then he doesn’t remember where his house is. He frequently asks my mother who she is and if he knows her. We have two children: Emily, 14, and, Kurt, 12. They adore their grandfather. The thought of him one day not being able to recognize them is tearing us apart. Please give us some direction so that our children can handle this family crisis with insight and understanding.

–Heartbroken Mom and Dad

Dear Heartbroken,

You have a long and difficult road ahead of you; each member of your family must do all he or she can to support the others. Your children have always been close to their grandfather, and they should continue to be close to him now.  Teenagers feel empowered when they realize that the adults in their world think they are worthy of sharing the responsibility of family heartbreak.  Perhaps, they can come up with some solutions and/or ideas that can help ease some of the strain and pain that your family is enduring.

Don’t be afraid to let tears flow as you express your devastation to your children. When you tell them about their grandfather, they will probably cry right along with you. After everyone finishes shedding their tears, hug your children and start to answer all of their questions—honestly. If “honestly” means “I don’t know,” then that’s what your answer should be.

Teach your children that love and touch are surprisingly powerful and intense. Although dementia cannot be cured with love and touch, your father will benefit from feeling his family members holding and stroking his hands—even after the dementia has advanced and he appears unresponsive. All of you should continue to tell him how much you love him.  On some level, he will hear you and he will know. Encourage your children to interact with their grandpa, but don’t pressure them to perform. How they relate to him should be left entirely up them.

Be thorough when you explain dementia to your children. Kids of all ages have imaginations and fears, so you must make certain they understand that they cannot “catch” dementia from their grandfather!

Prepare your children for the changes that will occur in their grandfather’s behavior from visit to visit. Explain to them that changes are to be expected. Parents who shield their children from all of life’s realities are derelict in their parental responsibilities.  

Your children are not too young to face this with you. You, your children, and your mother will get through this by supporting each other.  My heart goes out to you and your family.

(This advice is appropriate for parents of teenagers, not necessarily for parents of younger children.)

Dear Dr. Essig,

We are the parents of a 14-year-old daughter named Ashley. Until now, she has been an easy-going, well-behaved child. Lately, she balks and argues about everything. She is disrespectful to us, her grades are poor, and she is late coming home after school. She has new friends, and neither her father nor I approve of the ones we have met.

It seems as if Ashley is out of control. She and her dad are on a father-daughter bowling league. Their team will be going to the county finals this summer, but Ashley has decided that she will not participate. Her father is heartbroken.

What has happened to our wonderful daughter? How can we rekindle our friendship with her?

Perplexed Parents

Dear Perplexed Parents,

First, I recommend an organization called Tough Love. They offer help to families who are struggling through situations like yours. Also, they provide support to parents who are working with Tough Love facilitators and other participating families.

You say, “It seems as if Ashley is out of control.” Well, Ashley is out of control, and you must not let her current behavior continue! You and your husband must be “joined at the hip” as you endeavor to turn Ashley’s behavior around and restore harmony to your household. Ashley needs the two of you to act like parents. There is plenty of time to be her friend when your child-rearing years are over.

Tell Ashley, “Because your behavior is no longer trustworthy, the rules in our house are going to change.” If she starts arguing, act like parents and announce your plan. Advise her that she now has to earn back your trust. Don’t give in to protests. If you do, you abdicate your role as parents, and Ashley pays the price!Here are some rules to consider:

1.    Act respectfully to your parents at all times.

2.    Come straight home after school (or we will start picking you up every day).

3.    Your friends are welcome here only if their behavior is appropriate. When they visit, your door is to remain open at all times. They will leave when we say it is time for them to leave.

4.    You may not go out with friends until there is substantial improvement in your grades, and then, we must approve of the friends.

5.    You will go to the bowling team finals. You will not let the team or your father down.

6.    The three of us will join Tough Love, which is a group that helps families who have gotten off track.

7.    You will start your homework before dinner and before visits from friends.

8.    If any of these rules are broken, there will be consequences

Tell her you love her, but explain that it is your responsibility to ensure that she grows up to be the very best person she can be.”

Marcia Essig, Ph.D.